My World

2009-09-14T00:10:00.002+08:00

Ok I havent blogged in a really long time. Ever since the Abel fiasco i've lost the feeling for blogging.

Knowing that you can spill your guts out onto an online page can be a cathartic feeling. But its dangerous cos ppl who dun like you can use it against you.

However, I feel. That i am not gonna be a hypocrite anymore. Im not gonna pretend i like you or you or you. If i dun like it im gonna be sincere about it. So yes i will talk about my feelings on this blog and if u dun like it or seek to use it against me, you can lump it.

There are several events that have been of some emotional burden to me. Which is a good series of stories to spill out here.

Well firstly, my firefox and IE is giving me trouble. Facebook cant load properly i cant even see the writing tools on blogger in my browser. And they load dam slow. I hate it when my computer is slower than my brain. Cos that means i get bored when i use it. This com may have a bigger screen with better graphics and better operating specs but it doesnt mean that its better. Firstly, it gives my Garena problem. And my L4D got bug. So boring sia now...

Ok and hmm lemme see last wednesday. I decided to ask somebody something. Nah im not gonna say any names or what it was i asked. But it took alot of nerve and courage. At first it was uncomfortable cos PERSON was pretty preoccupied at first. I tot it was because of something my other friends had said. Which im pretty sure they did judging from how they continued on and on with it. So we went for dinner, 4 of us and another 6 more unknown ppl who are friends of friends. Breeks Cafe. Hmm pretty okayyy food. But very expensive.

My bro kept whispering in my ears to ask PERSON. But i felt it wasnt the right time and i certainly couldnt do it in front of everybody. Butterflies in moi tummy. Later we walked around after dinner. And with some tactful help of friend of friends and some careful wording of mine i managed to ask. I Carpe Diem - ed.

Oh and my bday is coming up. It feels kinda sad knowing that i have 1 week of my teens left. 1 week till i become a young adult. (If i were in denial i'd say im gonna be twenteen.) I mean this is something i've wished for since i was young. To grow up fast you know. But now its just so highly overrated. Oh yes i tot of a wishlist so that people wont get me expensive/unpreferred stuff like T-shirts or something.

1. Chin-up Bar
2. 2, 5kg or 7.5kg dumbells.
3. Gilette Fusion
4. A pair of rollerblades

And lastly.

5. YOU.

Yea i know i wont get much of these seeing as some of them are rather expensive. Not to mention the last one.

On the other hand i think my dad bought me a watch. (Yeah we dun bother about whatever song zhong chinese tradition thing) It must be a nice watch cos he cant seem to resist giving it to me early. I had to push it away twice. T'will be nicer to get it on my Bday.

Oh yes im supposed to be sleeping cos i have a long day ahead tmr. And im super tired. But i think i shall finish blogging first.

Just had driving today. You know i think driving lessons totally ruins my weekends. Its just so filled with stress and fatigue that i cant really enjoy much. The stupid instructors put so much stress on you. Yea i know stress is good for me, i perform better (not in bed though, WAHAHAHX). But anyway, just because its good for me doesnt mean i like it.

There was one part where the stupid instructor disiao me say dunno wad dunno wad. Then i wait till he drinking water from his container then i brake hard hard den he spill water over himself. Sure, i got an earful but he got wet. Quite worth it i think.

I seem to leave impressions wherever i go. Whether they are good or not, i only know that im memorable.

The other day went to shirin's house. Met her bro Andy. I dont recall him at all. But he remembered my name from tuition class. I think they all probably knew me cos i always play with the teacher and Jiayan,Jasmine,Sabrina. I miss tuition class. Lol. E 3 girls were really fun.

Well that and Alicia too:-) Who went to MJC with me and ended up as my classmate. It didnt help that i had a crush on her then. Well, the cat was let out of the bag by yismin and siti to the others at our last S210 gathering. Hmm seems the others didnt know. But anyway thats history.

Oh yeah. Sok peng too. Lol doesnt seem like i knew any guys there? No. I didnt. Well except for Mr Justin whom i got along well with. Well at least Sok peng and I are still in contact. Cant say much for the rest. Jasmine is MIA. Sabrina is once a long while. Jiayan is well jiayan. Alicia is MIA.

Oh yes. Just an observation i've made. Mei yun is not really mei yun anymore. Or rather, she's changed. More distant. We talk about more superficial things and i cant seem to find a way to talk about the personal stuff with her. She used to be much more open last time... that is until she met some guy who was really bad to her. (from what i gather). Well it looks like im not the only one who's taking a long time to get over that particular ex-beloved.

Its been roughly a year plus since we broke up. Had we managed to somehow pull it through it would be our 1 year and 4 months anniversary. Well, there's no point having pipe dreams.

All i can say is that its ORD LOH soon. Just 12 more weeks.

I'll let you know how im doing with my new life. When freedom is mine once again. What will I do?

HAha yes i am contemplating doing VERY RANDOM things in the 8 months to Uni.

Well firsly theres the drive to make money to pay for my uni.

Den there's the motivation to seek experiences i will hardly have the time for when university begins.

After the City Harvest fiasco. I finally think im ready to give Christianity another go. Thanks to the inspiring words that shao jun shared with me over lunch.

Below is a story i read on Jesline's blog. It made my hair stand. The magnitude of God's power is really incomprehensible.

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This beautiful story was written by a doctor who worked in Africa.

One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labour ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died, leaving us with a tiny, premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator). We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous draughts.

One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates). “And it is our last hot water bottle!” she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways.

“All right,” I said, “put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from draughts. Your job is to keep the baby warm.”

The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.

During prayer time, one ten-year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. “Please, God” she prayed, “Send us a hot water bottle today. It’ll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon.”

While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added, “And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she’ll know You really love her?”

As often with children’s prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say “Amen”? I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything; the Bible says so. But there are limits, aren’t there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever, received a parcel from home.

Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!

Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses’ training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there on the verandah was a large 22-pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes.

I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box.

From the top, I lifted out brightly-coloured, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas – that would make a batch of buns for the weekend. Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the…..could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out. Yes, a brand new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried.

I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, “If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!”

Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully-dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted! Looking up at me, she asked: “Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she’ll know that Jesus really loves
her?” “Of course”, I replied!

That parcel had been on the way for five whole months, packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God’s prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child – five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it “that afternoon”.

“Before they call, I will answer.” (Isaiah 65:24)

Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, but a lot of rewards.

Let’s continue praying for one another.

2009-09-01T01:00:00.002+08:00

Its been 5 days since my wisdom tooth surgery.
Took out 3 widom teeth and 1 impacted tooth. I want to document down the experience for my dear sis Kath to read :) wakakax.

First to clarify, i did the surgery on local anasthetic(awake) not general anasthetic(sleeping) because of medical complications.

So because i was awake im qualified to explain the experience in detail to you. Not just the suffering afterwards but also the surgery procedure.

So at first i went in. And they made me put on plastic coverings to cover everything. Like mini shoes to cover my shoes. A hair cap to cover my hair. Thick flowing robes like an X-ray gown. Den i went in. And they made me lie down on an operating chair. And put even more cloth all over me. Under my head, over my chest. I presume this is to prevent the blood from splattering everywhere. No doubt there was alot of blood. So the nice nurse started covering me up with cloth and even covered my eyes. I found my humour then and commented that it was like a body bag. Lol. Only my mouth was exposed. Then the surgeon came in which is this pretty nice straightforward lady albeit a rough one. I was very very scared then. My heart was beating very fast and i couldn't control it. I said as much to the nice nurse and she said, pray or sing a little song inside you and it will be over soon. So i recalled what shao jun said and prayed. And yes i found God in the Dentist's chair. My heart stopped beating fast although i was still scared. Den i wanted to sing a song but no song could seem suitable for this moment. Only the words "There's a God shaped hole in all of us. And the restless soul is searching." Yeah i sang those 2 lines inside of me for 2 hours. Apparently its supposed to take half an hour but mine was complicated so it took that long. But wait im getting ahead of myself.

So the surgeon wanted to put the anasthetic on me. And this i could see. The needle was 2 cm long. I was scared but i though it was gonna be like the arm one. Not pain one. Seriously arm one poke not pain one. This one is like. Arrgh. She put the needle in my mouth and no she didnt inject into the gum. She scratched the gum with it. It feels like someone is taking a hot paring knife and slashing your mouth. The worst part was when she cut the roof of my mouth and i screamed. She quickly put the needle down and ran away to get other instruments.

They cleaned my cheeks with alcohol and swabbed all the surgery areas down. Den it began. Drilling and pulling. Took quite awhile. I think 20 mins per tooth. She would drill drill and den say ok there's gonna be alot of pulling. Den pull pull push push my head was shaking on the chair and CRACK. I think the teeth broke. At one point she asked the nurse. Did u lose it? The nurse said. yes. I was thinking omg....

After she reached the 3rd tooth she was like "His teeth are very challenging. Lucky we do when he's young and the jaw is soft." I was thinking... oh they drilled my jaw!!? At first after they pull out the teeth they still finagling around that area. I was like is she cleaning up or doing the upper jaw? Only later did i realize they were stitching up my gums. Dam glad there was anasthetic if not confirm like torture chamber one.

Most of the time it was more pressure than pain. And alot of fear, panic, sweat and praying going on. Yeah and i was feeling urgent too halfway through. So it was a combo of urgent and fear. Difficult i tell you.

When it was over i was like phew thank god thank god thank god. They presented me with my teeth which is like a real bloody mess. Alot of blood i think my knees went weak for a moment. And the teeth were wicked huge. Lol.

*the real horror hasnt started yet*

I complained because they gave me erythromycin which no way will i ever take cos it gives u godawful bellyaches. So they gave my clindamycin and some painkillers. Went home. Wanted to take the painkillers right away but my mouth was so swollen and my tongue so swollen i couldnt close my mouth because my tongue hung out. So my dad said he'd give me some liquid painkillers which is calpol. Panadol for babies. I had some doubt but he's my dad so i drank it. (only later did he realize my painkiller is panadol PLUS codeine and not just panadol) At that time i did not know and boy was i in for a world of hurt. Tried to sleep. Couldnt. Then the anasthetic wore out. Omg i've never felt such pain before. The 4 teeth hurt like crazy. Sharp pain that stays there. Doesnt go away and ur not even doing anything. And because the teeth are so close to the brain i got feedback. Started getting the mother of all headaches. I think i screamed twice and kick my bed and the shelf. Wanted to die. Seriously. Ran downstairs and forced the painkillers down my throat. Literally. Howled abit more and the pain died off. Phew. But then the horror was the teeth. They refused to stop bleeding. The lady gave me enough gauze and alot of EXTRA. I used up all and not just that all the gauze was soaked in blood. Enough blood to cover my study table and paint it red and brown. Bleed till my dad came back. About 5 hours later. He gave me some soya bean to drink. Didnt think i could eat anything so just drank alot of soya bean. The coolness helped me feel better. However, i was still swallowing blood every other mouthful.

The worse part is they told me not to rinse my mouth because they wanted the blood to clot. But cos i was lying down i think some of the thrombokinase and platelets in my blood came out and merged with phlegm. I got some very very sticky bloody phelgm at the back of my throat. And the gauze made me feel like vomitting. So i had to reach in to pull out that lump of phelgm and guess what? Its so viscous the phlegm actually fights back. I put it just one rank below glue.

Needless to say it was pure misery pureed and distilled into a single night. And you know what? The marvelous painkiller stopped working after 4 hours when its supposed to last 8 hours. So i ended up overdosing. But my dad said would get kidney failure from eating so much panadol that he gave me another kind of painkillers Mefenemic acid. At least it had the same potency. So i had to combo twice the amount of recommended painkillers but wth i dun want to feel that pain ever again.Well i must say its 5 days past and i still cant close my mouth. My cheeks/gums (i cant tell) are so swollen that i cant bite so its been porridge and slurred speech for the past few days.

Ok im going to sleep now. Ciaoz guys and im hoping i can eat something more solid soon!

2009-08-19T09:21:00.002+08:00

Girls are weird. Seriously. I cant understand a single shit that goes through their minds.
Cutting yourself with blades? Thats fcked up shit. I would think that getting drunk and passing out is nothing compared to self mutilation.

When guys get stressed beyond our capacity to handle, we drink, we debauch... or snap and take a parang to that metaphorical milestone. Girls... do what? honestly... i dunno. But whatever. Im not in much of a position to comment anyway. Have been interacting with too many guys. I think we all suffer that in NS. After we come out we forget how to talk to girls.

I'd probably end up insulting your mom before you finish your 2nd sentence. *Smirks*

See i told'ja.

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I realized im an emotional person. Not emomomo kind of person but rather someone who has very strong emotions. When im angry its really the kind where i contemplate how best to murder you and get away with it. *uh huh*
When im depressed it can affect me and all my friends. And i've heard that my angry face is scary. Well i wouldnt know.

One thing these past 2 years of maturing has taught me is that most emotions are pretty useless. Like getting angry at someone being clumsy. Its not their fault and you cant reverse it. Previously i would get angry and scold scold and it'd probably spoil the rest of my day. Like the other day my maid dropped half the cake i baked on the floor. I was about to scold her... then i remembered that being angry is a choice. So i just swallowed it and shut the feelings up somewhere inside me. And i wasnt angry any more.

I guess you can say maturing taught me to live and let live. Scolding cant change clumsiness or other biotic factors though it certainly can do many other things.

Rofl. Its been so long since i havent blogged that i'm like having a writers block every few minutes.

2009-08-16T21:04:00.002+08:00

Went for JAM N HOP 2009 last night at Zouk to support Matthew :-) It was all really quite fun cos we'd really done alot to support him. Voting online and cheering like crazy whenever he appeared on stage. Well... cos he's worth it. Went with all the Azalea neighbours. It was kinda boring at first cos of all the queueing up and later waiting for the dam dj to play proper music with in the end he never really did. What a waste of space.

I dont like the idea of drinking cos losing my inhibitions sounds like a good way to go the wrong way. On the other hand i was feeling kinda reckless last night so got me a glass of bourbon coke. Haha sounds innocous with the coke but it was quite strong. The first 20 sips were hard to go down. But somewhere in between the 20th and 21st sip it became dam nice. Like drinking colder than cold water. After that sipped some long island tea which was stronger and it was... how do i put it Orgasmic. Yup. Nothing else comes close. It was shiokness. Haha i just realised that i LIKE alcohol :-)

2009-08-12T11:11:00.002+08:00

Realized that numerlogically wise national day was quite important to me too!

Hahas.

National day : 9/8/2009
My date of Birth : 20/09/89

See the comparison? LOL. Hen you yuan fen for me :-)

I have resolved to move on and let the past be. We cant turn the hands of the clock back so wth should i bother to try. And reviving something so old and dusty when the other person is obviously not willing to is plain stupid. So i shall just resort to the occasional sms to see if said person is willing but otherwise i shall move on to greener pastures.

That being said the social chances are little. But who cares. I have forever and a day. :)

2009-08-07T00:24:00.002+08:00

I am feeling emo today. Went out for cohesion with my army guys today. But somehow i dont feel i connect with any of them. We can joke, we can fool around and chit chat but at the end of the day when i leave the army, we'll never keep in contact again except when randomly meeting on the road and even then i'll have to struggle to remember their names. Is this how my 2 years will end? Never remember anybody? Just waste the 2 years finishing my liability to the country.

I dont like to waste time and i hate it when i feel my time is being wasted. I need the deep connection with somebody or something to feel that my time is being used. All i can say that has been useful with my time in the coming-to-2-years is the tutut.clan outings, going out with yismin and family, relaxing with dennis and the dota group and my tuition students.

For 2 years thats miserable. And im feeling miserable. My nose is killing me!! argh its running away... (pun intended)

Its an emotional battlefield. Life is rarely like Trainman and Lady Hermes.

Its a fight not to show my real feelings when all i really want to know is how u think about me? Maybe i'm finally giving in to insecurity. So much for self confidence and un-toppable self esteem.

I know i can be a bad person. I know it when im bad... because i do that deliberately. But i didnt know i could be so bad without seriously meaning to. Does it mean u are so immature or that i am so detestable.

Maybe i am... maybe i am.

We cant turn the hands of the clock back. Nope we cant.

*Your just the kind of person who would set the world on fire just to watch it burn*

2009-08-03T22:53:00.002+08:00

I am tired. Tired. Just wanna be someplace where i don have to worry anymore. To have someone hold me and tell me its alright. I miss it.

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I like Love Guru. I have watched it over 20 times on my PSP. Cos it never fails to make me laugh. and even now i am still unravelling some of the Dwirty jokes. (Dwirty is a port-manteux word of Dirty and Witty.)

Like

"If your uncle jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?"
[read it out loud it helps to get it... plus embarrass you to anyone nearby]

Wad i liked about the show was that it had extremely spastic parts and touching elements which you dont really find in any other show. Among all the movies i've watched, Love Guru is unique.

You get Spastic parts like the retarded way Maurise (Love guru) talks and behaves and stupid catchphrases like Guru™ stands for Gee You aRe You etc. But you get really touching ones like "The only way out is the way in." and "There is no such thing as failure, only previous attempts at success."

Distraction from emotional pain is one of the topic the show covers. Like the Guru Taginmapooda(however u spell it) said "Good distraction takes away emotional pain while bad distraction gets you a faceful of whizz."

I like the way Justin Timberlake's character clicks with the Love Guru. And i especially love this part.

When Darren (Justin) accuses Maurice (Love Guru) of being completely arbitrary in deciding what he should do to win the match.

Maurice says" Of course NOT! but we'll let the dice decide. YES. It is completely Arbitrary!"

Cheers.

2009-08-02T18:37:00.002+08:00

It was actually quite a disappointing sunday for me. No 03/06 class outing. No S210 outing. Cos most no one could make it. All that anticipation in the week and now no outing. I have decided to be extremely hardworking. I will work hard in army now. Yes, i will i must. For hardwork rewards :-)

Always wished i had a little baby sister :) But in any case, i love you and will treat you as my own. I am glad that now i have a reason to do so.

Am secretly chuckling at the antics of some ppl. In a mischievous way not in any mean manner. I read actions, body language and equivocation well. Its just too bad that im not wise enough to know what to do with this knowledge.

Will be meeting a nice girl tomorrow and thats always something nice.

Cheers. :)

Now am in love with the song Perfect Love by Hillsongs.

2009-07-28T11:18:00.002+08:00

The other day was having breakfast at Loyang Point's Macdonalds and 2 kids from one of the neighbourhood secondary schools were there. Since it was a school day and they were there in their green-white school uniform i can safely presume that they had skipped school.

So while i was happily enjoying my hotcakes meal and reading my book i couldnt help but hear their conversation. Both were talking about their past experiences at stealing people's bicycles. Like old men sharing war stories they were happily talking about the stealing and the running and how they spray painted the bike to change its colour so that the police would not be able to catch them. How one guy blatantly lied to the policeman and got away scot free. I was happy to hear that he was terrified by the policemen yet discontented that he managed to slip through the policeman's fingers.

Such scoundrels... can happily laugh at the look on an old lady's face when he snatched the bike from her fingers and cycle away.

If i could i would have called the police there and then to arrest those 2. However, you can be sure by the time the police arrive they would probably just spin a tall tale.... plus no hard evidence they cannot be arrested. So yes it was pointless though i sure hope they get karma back at them.

Was pleasantly surprised when my ex-salsa partner facebooked me last night. Havent talked in 3 years ... whoa. Time sure passes very fast in NS. Blink of an eye and its coming to 2 years. Cant believe my juniors will become my seniors. But then again thats a good thing cos i have many juniors as friends.

2009-07-24T23:38:00.002+08:00

Just had one of the least economical dinners ever. Spent $27 on a normal meal at Fish and Co. But i guess its the company that matters yea. Had a great time with the Ts.

Gonna go Defend the Ancients with joel and Daniel and Dennis tmr at Elias.

All i gotta say is that we pay the price for our mistakes. No one to blame. Just suck thumb and live with it. I'm still paying the price for my mistakes. Confessions and BGRs are the worst ways to ruin a friendship. Yeah i know.

I am and have always been afraid of Regrets. Unfortunately everything you do has a 50% chance of becoming something that you regret. However way i look at the actions i have taken... the only thing i can think of not making the Regrets happen is by not doing what i have directly done for it... unfortunately i cannot tell whether not doing so would lead to other Regrets.

In light of recent parallel events, it just seems to highlight my regrets. There's nothing i can do and its too painful to dwell upon. Sadly it seems that my natural inclination is to forget the attachments in the first place. So yes... i will forget you eventually. I dont look forward to that because forgetting you will be something painful itself. But thats the way my psyche works...so yes. Eventually... goodbye bad memories. Welcome dark oblivion.

2009-07-13T22:44:00.002+08:00

Havent blogged in absolute ages.

Wonder if blogging will be cathartic.

Maybe.

First i suppose i need to spill emotional stuff if i want it to be cathartic but somehow cant bring myself to spill out all the stupid stuff that has been happening.

Ok i successfully baked my first Oreo Cheesecake. Just me n my maid :-) It was not bad. Baked it for Cai Yun's 21st Birthday :-) Hahas glad the tututs liked the cake. Haiyo, some tutut ppl really very tutut. I was telling Cai yun about the cheesecake i baked for her and they thought i was telling her about the cheesecake they bought as a surprise for her. Wth man... seriously over egotistical. But whatever.

I shall quote Opal Koboi (Artemis Fowl and the Time Paradox by Eoin Colfer) "Mmmmhmmm Raahummm. Peace be within me. Tolerance around me. Now show me this pitiful human so that i can feed him his intestines."

Completed alot of work in camp. Had a sudden inspiration to work and covered 3 weeks worth of procrastination, information digging and much much much reading in 4 rushed hours of fevered work. Feel so satisfied today. Cant wait to look at my work positively tmr knowing that i just overcome a great inertia barrier... the barrier to procrastinate.

Oh yes. Need to quote my cousin who's birthday is today. Happy birthday cousin Alyssa!
She said " Procrastination is like Mas*********, it feels good at first but you only end by Fu***** yourself."

Haha! Thats extremely funny.

I have also decided that i can and will burn bridges. (BURN!!) Cos i couldnt give a dam abt some ppl anymore. I shall adopt a Megan attitude towards those ppl. Utter silence, ignoring and pretending you dont exist works best.
Its childish but its cool. Yeah.

Oh cool. My leave is gonna be burnt this month. jialat.

2009-06-29T21:28:00.001+08:00

I havent blogged in ages because there has been too many things to tell and i dont even think i shall say here.

But the most scary thing of all, my mum got admitted to hospital. She came out fine after a blood transfusion.

Haiz...

2009-06-16T21:40:00.002+08:00

Alright. Im off dota. Its bad for my back, my social life and productivity. I shall spend my free time more wisely instead of pounding out 7 hours of Dota every weekend.

Things I should be doing
1. Studying - Or at least revising what i have forgotten for JC.
2. Driving - Actually getting started on my Practical
3. Going out - Oh yes. I should be exercising more. Shopping and eating and more laughter and fun.

Somethings to say to people who will not read this.

Weirong (Yismin's bro) - Welcome to the Army bro. Anything i can help you with i definitely will. You can do it. Army is tough but you will pull through. Im sure.

Jonathan - Welcome to the Army!!! Hahas i really think u really OCS material one lor. Dam on sia. First to reach cookhouse. First to finish eating. First to clear up plates. First to say goodbye. Power sia your initiative. Wahahax. Own them all Jon!!

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[Random thoughts]
During one of our truth or Truth games we played with the Tutut.Clan. Kevin asked me what are the happiest moments in my life.

My answer was
1. The day i got my O Level results back. (So far that is the only major examination that i didnt disappoint myself. I cried when i got my PSLE back and i was sad when i got my A levels back).

2. The day i got together with Jessica. (Funny how after everything is over... i tot i would remember all the bad things. Instead i remembered the happy times.)

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Army is supposed to make you grow up. Army is supposed to make you mature. I dont feel any different. In fact i feel more childish than ever. Or maybe that is an indication of becoming mature.. realising how childish you are.

All i see in Army is a smaller scale version of the viciousness of life. Backstabbing, badmouthing and last but not least sabotage whether accidental or on purpose.

What i learned in army.

1. How to keep your mouth shut. (Really)
2. How to backstab back. (its not a nice lesson to learn but its a necessary one in this skewed world we live in)
3. To realise that people will take advantage of you if they can. Nobility of men is a naive idea... but naivete has its uses... To control idealistic people? (oh dear i sound so cynical. oops i changed philosophical camp already!)

Rofl. Army is a joke.

2009-06-16T14:29:00.001+08:00

Ahh a finally an extremely relaxing day in army. No pestering buggers around and the office completely empty. I like it. uh huh. Hahahahaha...

2009-06-14T23:23:00.002+08:00

Contrary to what many ppl think i have not enjoyed my 5 day weekend very much.

I would say that the only few things i enjoyed these weekend are:

Playing MJ with WanZhen and Yismin :-) Funny like crazy. These 2 girls can really make me laught.

Watching Ghosts of girlfriends past with Aana. Good movie companion:-) I like.

Playing L4D with yismin and gang and pool as well. We like it!!

And of course reunion with S210. Cats are all out of the bags. Since its been like hmmm 4 years coming? Wow. Thats a really long time. We all know now who like who last time...

Oh yes and my Grandma's birthday celebration. Maternal side. We ate at Seafood international at ECP there. (Ok i gotta really rush cos its late and i NEED TO SLEEP) Ate 1 and a half Bamboo clams (MY FAVOURITE DISH), 4 Mantou (MY SECOND FAVOURITE DISH), 2 Victory bao (thats what i call it anyway. Calling it butt pao is so not nice just cos it looks like someone's butt) 1 elbow of a black pepper crab. Several pieces of one of the best roast chicken ever. A slice of fish? Probably grouper or something. A bowl of noodles and some soft fleshy meat. And oooo really full! enjoyed it immensely.

Oh yes one nastily irritating thing is that something crashed my computer. At first it was caused by a new monitor we bought and then it crashed. It went conkerbonkers for a few days and i had to keep restoring it back. However, my Garena is now not working. Sian diao.

Haiz ok time to go sleep.

Just need to say that although i went out for a very short period this weekend. I bumped into a surprising amount of people. Haha met julian and patrick at Tampines while i was walking around with Janet.

Nitez!

2009-06-14T02:26:00.002+08:00

I look at my sister's blog. And i go... haha. I used to be like that. I used to try so hard to be a good person. To try not to fail, to try to be this be that be this be that. All the things a good christian should be. And you know what? In the end i was stressed. Pressurized to do alot of things and be nice to certain ppl when i dont want to be. In the end it all was just pretty much screwed up and u feel like taking a step out of this world. Which is why now i dont really care. Christian not christian. God no God. At the end of the day, my believes dont change.

God is real.
Aliens are real.
The world is round.
MacFlurry is good.

Believes dont change. I just stop trying to be somebody im not. Even if everyone thinks that that someone would be better than who i am now. I cant be a devout christian. I tried walking that path. I cant be an altogether bad person either. My conscience doesnt allow. So i dont give 2 hoots now about all those.

Material world for the win.

2009-06-08T22:20:00.002+08:00

Today just went to a Chinese doctor for some massage cos my backache's being bothering me. Cost me 48 dollars. However he was really really good. Although the massage was very pain and the suction cup left marks (if i uploaded the picture you'd wig out. Believe me. My back is not a whole morass of blood and damaged tissue marks). Lol however it feels so shiok now, the tenseness in my back has lessened.

He gave me some medicine though im not clear on whats its use. To improve my digestion, bloodflow or relax my muscles or all three? Its always the same brown powder of tablet wherever whenever i go to TCM. Ever since young, i have a compulsion to hoard medicine. Medicine is power. To take away pain, save lives and rejuvenate you. Western medicine is easy to hoard as with regular practise you get used to which medicine does what for which household ailment. Chinese medicine aint so easy. Though i must now concur that TCM does seem to be more sure of itself than western medicine.

In anycase, army time is really flying flying flying fast. I feel like the song In the End by David Sides now that my sister is listening to. Fingers flying fast, dashing over the keyboard, like time is flying for me in army. By this week friday, i have just have 6 months of Army left to go. Michel, its the last leg of the race. Dont give in. Never look down. Chin in, chest out. I will strive to learn more in this last leg. To give more, contribute and support my army unit. I will do whatever I can to make this place a better one.

Ok time to go sleep soon. Its late!

2009-05-31T23:55:00.002+08:00

Pissed off GODLIKE MODE today. My mum wasted 5 hours of my life today. You just see next weekend if im ever gonna be home at all. I'll go out 8am-12am. Hows that for wasting my time.
Was so freaking angry i felt very very destructive. Only one thing kept me from kicking the door or throwing some breakables around.

The last time i broke the shower door in a fit of frustration my dad told me to turn anger into constructive uses and not destructive ones. That way at least you have something to channel the anger into. I tot easy for you to say. U can make tables and chairs like nobody's business. Only today did i finally find constructive outlets for my anger. I swept my grandma's lawn. Went hunting the neighbourhood for Flash the cat. Washed all the dishes and tot my kids how to play magic. Still feeling very pissed off but at least no more destructive urges. I think its the hormones. These few months have been feeling violent and all. I blame it on the testosterone. And praise my own self control. It has been hard, all too hard not to break something today. Though i did slam a few stuff around i did not even kick the door lightly.

On a lighter topic. Went swimming with mei yun today. The sun was really out... i am tan-er. I 'spect some skin will be peeling tmr. Discovered the only way to keep the tan is to apply moisturizer. Though i doubt i want a tan. Just slight shading will do. I'm not a jock and never will be. No need to look like one.

Bleahx. Ate south indian food with meiyun today at the restaurant there. Then got diarrhoea. Owww. Although the chicken masala was good. Haha yes and the papadum too! (yes julian... u and ur papadum)

Ok i dun think i will be able to sleep tonight. Drank approximately 1 litre of coke today. Whooo. Caffeine kick.

2009-05-26T09:28:00.003+08:00

Have i mentioned that my camp is getting suckier? Its becoming so regimental that at any moment, a single mistep can get you charged. wheee i love my life. NOT.

Thanks to some brainless gorms and one fired up super disgusting charger. By that i mean someone who keeps charging people.

Ck called those kind of people Battery Chargers cos his company line is called a battery (being in artillery and what not...).

Any MTG players... Michel wants to own a sliver deck. Sell me cheap cheap good good and i will give u ur money's worth:-)

Realised that i have changed quite a great deal in army. Got to know my ownself better.
My own strengths and weaknesses. Actually i've become more acquainted with my weaknesses more often that not... which kinda keeps me on low morale. oooOO where did my confidence gooooOO. Hahahahaha. Ok nevermind.

I realize that i can be very irritating. Some people just flip on the 'irritating michel' switch. And i go completely out to irritate that person. Saying just the rig... wrong thing at the ri... wrong time. Ahem. Completely on purpose of course. Come and beat me up... pleeease.

Or i can be absolutely contemptuous. Like spit on your face contemptuous or insult your mum contemptuous.

Of course those are my weaknesses. For my good points? Find out yourselves. Do i look like a yellow pages to you?

Ahem.

Mo-o-ving on.

Went for dinner with dennis last night. Wanted to eat the nasi lemak at Changi V but found out it was washing day when we got there. So went to whitesands for MACS dinner and met some of dennis's JC friends there. So while they were chatting i went to the library and found 3 books to while away my time in camp. (yes my life is being wasted)

Manta's Gift - Timothy Zahn
Omega Game - S.L. Viehl
The younger Gods - David Eddings.

Timothy Zahn is by far my favourite author and i've read everybook of his that i can lay my hands on and have found none of them to be disappointing. He is exceptionally good at what he does.

S.L.Viehl's StarDoc series is absolutely good. About the bioengineered perfect girl who is by the way not as perfect as the perfect girl Amy who appears in...... i cant remember the series name. "twins"???

And david eddings is the author of PAWN OF PROPHECY. Probably by far his best series ever. The Belgariad and the Mallorean. Well the Tamuli and the Elenium too...

Sorry. Is anybody following me? Oh well im sure the yellow pages have the answers...

Ok im feeling yeongsheng-ish today. Highly sarcastic/caustic/disagreeable and severely prejudiced. Thanks to some happenings in office.

People have *Out to lunch* signs. Mine shall read.

~Out to Antagonize~

Lol.

2009-05-25T00:00:00.008+08:00

Had a terrifyingly tiring weekend. On saturday went to NUS Science open house with my sis and HY. Walked into the Food Science Talk with HY and saw Kailing. Lol there's some message thats bound to go out. Ahh nvm.

In the afternoon went to RELC with Jonathan and my sis for church service. I slept through most of it. Evening went to kovan with the Tuts. Played pool and fooled around for like 4 hours plus. All in all had so much fun but only paid 1.60 for the entertainment(besides food money). Reached home at midnight. So hahas. I spent 16 hours awake and walking.... TIRING.

-----

On sunday. Met up with Mei Yun in the afternoon to pass her her pressie :)
Went home after lunch with her. Changed into formal clothes. Went to meet her and go Singapore Flyer. I shall post some photos up but not in chronological order cos my camera doesnt store things that way. Some random photos with some comments coming right up.

One of the really really nice photos. :)
Sorry its not upright. Too lazy to flip it.
Old fashioned Black n White.

Dusk Scenery. B E A U tiful.

Another shot.

My zipai shot suddenly got another head. hahahahahaha. LOL.

------

Ok its time to sleep now. Getting too late i will be very tired otherwise. Oh dear... the cats out of the bag? Tsktsk... haiz my friends are sooo... urggh. But still i love them all. How would i ever live without my friends.

Hmmm.. shall list all the friends i went out with/bumped into/talked to in this weekend.

Dennis, Janet, YeongSheng, CaiYun, Ming Chieng, Kevin, Jonathan.

Joel, Chet hong, Daniel, Shanrui, Michelle, Edwin, Justina, Louis (btw happy birthday today).

Hui yun, Samantha, Kailin, Meiyun, Kathleen, Angeline, Pokky, Tammy, Hendra, Alexi.

Hmm looks like i have brushed against many lives this weekend. Even if a little. The world offers so many friendships. Learn to take it.

2009-05-23T01:52:00.002+08:00

Enjoyed a night out with my dearly beloved khaki. MTG with aaron was so fulfilling... finally i won him thrice in a row. Wahahax. Trrrriple kill!!

Den we watched Night at the Museum 2 which by the way is really good :-)
And den dota throughout the night till now (2AM) owning all the way... good man.

And going to NUS OPEN HOUSE SCIENCE FTWWW!! tmr with my sis and hui yun :-)

DArn stomachache now. Gtg

2009-05-17T18:40:00.002+08:00

Went out with the Tuts ytd. Did some gooood shopping at tamp one.. and some great joking. Den went to dennis house for BBQ and some good HTHT. Played Truth or... Truth. Lol. Yes lame i know but we were too lazy to run around doing stupid dares.

Hoping off to dinner and Angel's and Demons with Dennis in a mo.

Im on an accidentally crazy diet. Only realized this morning that i only had 3 eggs and a bowl of rice and a single scoop of Cookies and cream icecream to eat the WHOLE of SATURDAY.

No wonder i woke up extremely hungry and had 2 plates of wanton mee without wanton. Yeah. Funny life i live in.

Havent blogged for so long it feels like the ability's gone away.

I need to do some soul searching for why i feel so inadequate nowadays.

Things i liked recently:
- My likkle storytelling kids.
- Cats
- Watching movies on my PSP
- Playing Magic the Gathering

Things i wished i could do:
- Tell you how i feel
- Find out how i feel
- Hit you and get away with it
- To save and be saved once again

----------------------------------
Have been spending more and more theses days. Need to save up. Prepare to buy the world. LOL.
Ok that was random.

Time to go get ready. Ciao.

2009-05-06T22:49:00.003+08:00

I am sick with a cough. My phelgm is green and its hard to breathe.
Took sleeping medicine to dissolve the phlegm. Supposed to be knocked out except that my heart kept beating fast and i kept thinking of my office.
Worried that something is gonna go wrong and all. So much for being able to rest.
Feeling dizzy too. Kept making calls to ensure everything was ok. Cant all the work come when i am in camp and can handle it? Why must it come when i am sick, tired, dizzy and at home trying to rest?
Why must there be a power struggle?
I feel like i am the only one fighting the humanitarian fight. Getting sick of wanting to be in control.
If that slimy rat wants to be in charge of everything, why not go ahead and let him. After all im the person it will least affect. The others on the otherhand will start to dislike camp. Spam mcs? Awol?

I'm here trying to do something good. And ur trying to be regimental. Wake up ur idea la. Army doesnt have to be all bad ok. Maybe ur cold daddy and im warm mummy. We need to strike a balance so that the camp can run well. But im fed up off u aiming me. F off.

U want to be in charge so much? Learn how to lead first.

Me? I gotta learn how to stop fighting lost causes. Got to learn to trust the potter's hand.

Dear Father,

I give u full control of this situation. I will stop fighting and start listening. Father i pray that u will not let people take advantage of me. I pray that people will stop backstabbing each other. I pray that u just reveal a little bit of ur glory to make this world a better place.

Amen.

2009-05-03T23:55:00.002+08:00

Ok end of my super duper long weekend. Must remind myself here. Bring Thermometer and Books to camp. Arrgh. Super heavy. Ok nvm.

I'm gonna be really tired this week. Long heavy hours so any well wishes pls leave a tag or i'll die of loneliness.

I just want to ORD man. Zzz. You know if i get into a mess thats my own doing it wouldnt be so bad cos i deserve it. But i didnt do anything to get into NS except be a guy... which is probably why so many ppl feel like its a prison too.

This weekend really went by all too fast. Didnt do much except register for driving. Didnt even go out much.

Ok its time to sleep. Arrgh hate camp.

2009-04-28T22:52:00.002+08:00

The days seem empty.
Going to camp is a bore.
Tahaning all your nonsense is a chore.
If i never had to see you again, it would be an eternity too soon.
Money is my consolation, friends my pride.
How far the high have fallen.

Hate camp.

H A T E C A M P.

But no choice. "Suck thumb lan lan" as they say.

Regimentation can be comforting. An iron standard to set yourself against. But it is a cold comfort.

In anycase. I better go sleep. Must boost my immune system in light of the swine flu going around. Hope it doesnt become a global pandemic.

2009-04-26T22:25:00.002+08:00

This weekend has been like a sabbatical to me. No thoughts of army or any of the irritating people there.

Went to Alara Reborn Pre release on Saturday. Didnt get to compete cos the registration had been like 3 hours earlier than the stipulated time on my schedule. Note to self: Be at the pre release at 8am next time.

However did have a good game with the others. Played MTG till about 2 pm before going off to the mrt to meet Mei yun. Had a good chat and a nice walk around Tamp 1. However it was quite boring cos there wasnt really much to see and the both of us were really really tired. We went back early whereupon went back home. Saw my mum line dancing, so i joined her. And we danced for about 3 hours with dennis and natalie watching. Lol. We even wore coyboy hats XD. Cool mum.

Oh yes. Friday night. Went to the airport for supper with Dennis, Aaron, Matthew, Hong Boon and Daniel Tan. Chit chatted at Yakun until 1am. There we saw this girl walking along the airport. I think she wasnt local, although she looked like she could have been a singaporean. Though the BF or husband looked japanese. There wasnt really anything outstanding about her. Except she had what aaron called "clean" looks. A very pleasant looking lady with a clean face, rosy cheeks and radiant health. Just that "radiance" was more than enough to turn everybody's head in her direction. I looked left and right and could see people's heads turning to watch her walk by. Both guys and gals too. *she must be used to people looking at her, I wonder*

Just got back from celebrating my dad's birthday dinner at Jack's Place. Phew. Good food. Totally enjoyed the house steak. Yummy!!
Then went over to dennis's house to meet aaron for a few matches of MTG. A few matches turned into 2 solid hours of MTG. Hahaha i think i witn 7 out of 10 games. Wheee. Then again he gave me abit of chance lol. Got once he turn 2 kill me.. ZZZ.

All in all a very enjoyable weekend though i didnt really do much. Which is good. I shall go to sleep now. You know why? Cos i have to watch my friggin back everyday in camp.

Hope i dun fall sick with all the worrying. On the other hand, its time to turn the tables.

2009-04-24T11:41:00.003+08:00

As a blogger. Let me discuss the Alara Reborn Pre Release coming up this Saturday ( i will be attending the saturday one at Suntec Convention Centre so if u do wanna go for it too... meet me at City Hall MRT at 10.30am sharp this sat)

It is known that Alara Reborn have ALL multicoloured cards.

So for those who dunno anything about it let me go through the colour combinations for Shards of Alara and its special abilities.

Aaron and Shuxin. My dear fellow competitors please read the following.

Bant (Green, White, Blue)
Focuses on the ability called Exalted (Whenever a creature you control attacks alone, it gains +1/+1 until the end of turn). This basically mean when u have 5 creatures with Exalted in play and 1 of them attacks per turn, it gets +5/+5. This will work even better if the different creatures u control have either Shroud or Landwalk or Flying or Fear or Unblockable.
Key: If you are on the aggresive than you have the advantage. If u are on the defensive, then you will most likely lose. Because your creatures don get pumped for blocking. Wonder if Exalted will synchronise with the Bushido ability(Whenever creature is blocked or blocks it gets +1/+1 until the end of turn.)

Esper (White, Blue, Black)
Every Esper creature is an artifact creature. Since most players will pass by Esper cards in draft matches, you will find very few Esper decks around. But it is precisely because of this that people who play Esper decks will most likely have strong and complete Esper decks. So do remember to keep some destroy artifact spells handy. Tezzeret the Seeker (Lorwyn planeswalker if im not wrong) works exceedingly well with Esper decks. However, if u even manage to pick up Tezzeret from a booster pack. You should buy 4D. Because the chances of that is (1/120) * (Tezzeret cards / total number of mythic rares)
Which basically makes that a huge number. So. Good luck.

Grixis (Blue, Black, Red)
Grixis cards focus on the ability Unearth. (Pay Unearth cost(relatively low): Return a creature card from your graveyard to play. It gains Haste. Sacrifice it at the end of turn.You can only play this anytime you would play a Sorcery).
So its something like Lightning elemental or Ball lightning. Almost like red creature cards that mimick burn spells. Except this one is a double threat. Coming from the graveyard too.
I supposed using a burn deck together with Unearth ability would be quite devastating.

Jund (Black, Red, Green)
Alara Reborn Pre Release Foil card will be Dragon Broodmother which by the way is a Jund card.
Jund cards focus on the ability Devour (When this creature comes into play, you may sacrifice any number of creatures. If you do so, add that many +1/+1 counters to this creature for each creature sacrificed this way.)
Some cards have Devour 2 or Devour 3 making that card infinitely more dangerous if you sacrifice many 1/1 creatures.
This would work well in a token spamming deck like say the Lorwyn elf deck.

Naya ( Red, Green, White)
Naya cards focus on abilities that activate whenever something happens to a creature with power 5 or greater. This is a good way to play as you will have huge creatures to bowl your enemy over. Mosstodon is a good card. Several Naya cards are quite powerful. Eg. You gain 5 life for each creature with power 5 or greater put into the graveyard from play.
This would definitely stack with creature cards that have the ability Evoke. (You may pay the Evoke cost for this creature. If you do so, put this creature card into play for its ability. Sacrifice the creature after that.)
Since Evoke costs are cheaper than summoning costs. And you turn a creature card into a spell card. You have accomplished 2 things. You have activated your Naya ability as well as play a spell card. This is definitely better than just playing a normal sorcery or instant.

The Alara series
Have introduced a new idea to Cycling abilities.
Landcycling and Cycling have been brought up before. Eg. Cycling - You may discard this card for 2 mana. Draw a card.
However now the normal card itself costs less than its cycling cost. And the cycling ability is even more powerful than the card itself. Hence they have introduced a remake of the Kicker ability. Not sure which is better though.

Advice
It is easier and much more powerful to play Naya decks. However in a draft match, Naya cards are easily snapped up by draw 3. Hence if you are willing to take the risk you can try for an Esper deck.

Be prepared.

2009-04-23T10:09:00.004+08:00

Its goodbye to an old era. The new one will probably be worse... but wth thats life... It just gets worse.

Now singing Graduation by Vitamin C to needle someone. Ahaha...

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Thoughts of you keep recurring,
Your smile a smiling.
Like a great Cheshire cat, you leave
but ur smile remains
That look in your eye,
a brief diamond sky
eclipsed in untold possibilities
The crowd numbered high,
our eyes meet on nigh,
the danger fraught high
and hold forever. In that short eternity,
its like I just stepped outside.
And it was just you and me, in this little
otherside.
I get high.
-------------------------

2009-04-23T09:20:00.003+08:00

Was very angry yesterday. At the same backstabbing bs. I got quite bad that when i was about to sleep. Normally just before i sleep i will wipe out all concerns. And the last thoughts left in my mind are the thoughts plagueing my subconscious. And last night the emotions were really strong. I was quivering in bed shaking in anger. My mind was one big morass of vicious violent intent locked in a feedback loop.

Kept flipping in bed for about an hour. Wasting my time about something useless. In the end, i had to resort to playing Jars of Clay and praying with the cross meiyun gave me.

Finally managed to fall asleep. Woke up feeling better. Am now gonna carry the cross with me all the time, to remind me that i am a child of God. If he is with me, who can stand against me.

------------------------------------------------

Still cant stop thinking about her.

2009-04-19T02:06:00.003+08:00

Havent been feeling the urge to blog lately. As u can tell from the apparent lack of blog posts on this site.

I bet my blog's feeling neglected now.

Somehow... some friendships are falling apart now. And i couldnt be bothered to try and save some of them. To me, some of them are not worth saving.

And i just realized that that sneaky bastard pulled a good one on me. I bet he knew it when he cheated me out of some $30... Bugger. What an ochimusha lowlife.

And that stunt lasted erm 5 months before i found out. Knew i was blur but NOT THAT blur. Ok. Guys listen up. Dont trust TJC bastards. Hahahahaha i know i know im from TJC too. Lol.

Hate sore throats. Thank God for doctors. Especially the one im seeing. He really knows his stuff.

Oh yes. Aaron is coming over tmr. Finally someone who plays MTG too! Hahahahah its SHOWDOWN tmr. Gay versus Gayer. Who will win!!?

And the past few weeks have really been enjoyable with dennis. He really take care of me lol. I sick he fetch me to doc. Buy me ginseng (not that i drink it) and lunch. Gotta really thank God for this friend of mine.

------------------------------------------------

[updated much much later]

Aaron won. zzZzzZzzZ....

Had some great HTHT last night. Life is becoming complicated once again. ooo. This is where it gets interesting and emotionally tiring.

Oh yes. Alara Reborn MTG™ pre release on 25-26 april at suntec convention centre. Chun kit!! If ur back from taiwan before that. LETS GO~~!! Haha have not attended a pre release before. It will be an interesting experience for me. Playing MTG professionally in a competition too. I think i might be pwned lol.

Feeling that urge to splurge money on MTG again. ZZ. I always feel that urge when i get hooked on a game. I am sooo lucky dota is free.

hahahaha. So excited. Will be meeting up with eugene tmr!!

2009-04-12T05:37:00.002+08:00

Have been drinking too much coke and tea the past 2 days. My bedtime has been extended to 5am. Shit now cannot go for church tmr sure cannot wake up one. Srry angel!!

Had a lot of fun ytd. Going out with Dennis, Natalie, Shirin, Liting and Kenny. Adventure adventure adventure. And alot of other stuff besides.

haha.

Mei yun is coming back tonight!!! Wooo. *excited*

Lol.

-------------------------------------------------

Enchanted by your smile.
Drawn by your lips.
Stuck on your shine, fingernails.
Your tight looks, hooked.
To a drug that will destroy me.
You.

----------------------------------------------

Pepper lunch tmr with tututs! Hope more ppl can make it. Today only 2 ppl available how to plan outing??

---------------------------------------------

I have... a best friend?

-------------------------------------------

I think so.
Lol.

------------------------------------------

I want to sleep but my brain is too active. Too much caffiene. Kept drinking and drinking... zzz.

-----------------------------------------
The depth of her emotion surprised me.
-----------------------------------------

*hums*
How long is the road. How long is the ride? No matter the distance i'll stay on the road to your heart.
-------------------------------------------

Bought 15 books from the recent book sale at expo for $70 only! Whereas i spent $200 at borders for 8 books. Oooo.
Money saved!!

------------------------------------------

BBQ with angel was fun:-) We chilled and played. Chit chatted just like the old days. And then monopoly after that was even more fun:-)

-----------------------------------------

Stuck back on my psp replaying Star Wars. Now i measure time in how many jedi i kill.

Like...

Time dennis takes to drive to my house - 6 Jedi killed.
Time dennis spends in the toilet - 1 Jedi killed.

Time YOU take to grow up - 1234567890876543210 Jedi killed.

2009-04-08T23:49:00.002+08:00

Moving back to blogger now. Shall miss the wordpress stats widjet.

Onto great news. I am a good boy. AHAHAHHA.

Ok scratch that. Im stupid. Yeah damn stupid. Wasted 1 and a half hours of my life today. Grrr...
On the other hand. I have great friends. Totally enjoyed spending time with Dennis and Natalie playing Scrabble and Monopoly Deal in my room.

Oh and just sent Cute my hax file. Lol.

Want to talk more here but dun really know what to say.

Except.

Welcome back to michellim21.blogspot.com :D

~Storm

2009-01-20T12:20:00.001+08:00

testing

2008-10-05T16:23:00.003+08:00

I think that this blog is simply too cluttered. And i want to make things neater. Kinda like Tabula Rasa. So i shall say goodbye... for the time being of permanently i do not know to michellim21.blogspot.com.
I shall leave behind all the memories... one day to come back and look at them. And my tagboard too.

I have moved. michellim21.wordpress.com
I know unoriginal. But i like it. And simplicity is the new black.

2008-10-04T00:10:00.002+08:00

Ahaha am terribly terribly uber sick right now. Can only think of being this sick once before. The kind of sick u want to die just so u can stop thinking, living, breathing and SUFFERING. Dammit i hate being sick.

After this is over, im gonna eat all my greens... my vitamins... and avoid all things bad for me. Dammit, i've been converted to a health freak.

Just saw an interesting post on Kenny's blog. Discussing the death of the NSF while doing pull-ups. Didnt get to catch that one on the newspapaers even though i went looking for it. But kenny ended his post with a challenging question. "How would you want to die?"

I mean obviously dying from doing pull-ups is really ignominour (no offense to that guy) and yes many more people have died doing stupid things too.

So how would i want to die if i did die? Its inevitable dudes...

How i do not want to die.
1. Death by sickness (any illness including asthma and this cough im having right now)
2. Doing something stupid which caused my own death (like starving to death cos cannot stop playing dota)
3. Murdered because i dont want to have unfinished business lying around.

How i want to die but prolly wont happen
1. Dying of old age.
2. Dying of a heart attack while having 'killer' sex. Muahahax...
3. Dying while saving someone from death. (chivalrous ole me)

How i'll prolly die... and wont complain about it.
1. Slip on bathroom floor, breaks skull and dies.
2. Run over by a car.
3. Gets killed by Tekong ghost (albeit something my dad came up with to explain death by pull up bar)
4. Drug overdose (medicine la... something that is quite likely to happen)
5. Death by defrenestration. (knowing my luck i'll fall off some low level floor and take a loonng time to die)
6. Death by ennui (thats boredom FYI). Given the rate at which my life is going i give this a good chance.

Tada... list done. Reaper... DO NOT come looking for me.

-The end-

P.S. In the case i do end, dear readers do know that i love you all. Muahahax

2008-09-28T01:47:00.002+08:00

Just decided to post one post before i sleep.

1 Just feel that i am changing. NS is changing me. But yet at the same time i dont take the effort to figure out whether the change is good or bad. I've become, more... tolerant of practical jokes. I've become slacker. I've become fatter. Im a slob. Ahaha. Rite.

2 Realization of the day. I guess me as a person is not who i want to be. The I AM differs from the I WANT. and sometimes i cant tell the difference. Reason:

I want to be debonair and suave.
Im not. Im not even photogenic.

And den now i think. Hey y be who i want to be? Why not excel at who i am?

Michel is the kind of guy you can talk to. Who's funny and filled with lame jokes. He's not handsome, he's not superfit nor musically talented. He's noisy and often late for meetings. He talks rubbish 99% of the time. That 1% is when he's chewing and talking at the same time so u cant even hear what he's saying. He eats slow and irritates a countless number of people. On the other hand, he's charming... at times... and get's a good laugh out of ppl. He's quite observant but pretends not to be. He stands up for the weak though ppl see him as weak sometimes and is often willing to make himself the butt of a joke to make ppl laugh.
All in all, Michel's an average guy. He's the guy next door, the noisy and entertaining one. He aint that hot bod or player across the street, nor a dancer on the set of Step Up 2. He's just Me. Plain simple me. And if you can live with that, your my friend. Know it or not.
~The spirit is willing, but Michel is weak~

3 Michel thinks that he's the kind of guy hot girls WONT go for. Cos they are too high. Michel's the kind of guy who wont go for Gothy McGoth kind off girls. Goth is too... gauche. Except when its Tiffany Chuang Mei wearing it... she's a hot Goth. He's the kind of guy who goes for the quiet girls. The ones who are shy with strangers but spontaneous and passionate with close friends. He doesnt go for extravagant bling blings, he thinks the plain girl without blinding blings is prettiest.

4 For all his talk, Michel has many hi-bye friends and few if not no close friends. Sure he talks and spends lots of time with them. But no one knows what Michel is thinking inside. Except God that is.. .ahem.

5 Michel wants to be a devout christian. He wants to be like Shan Rui or Maurise or XiaoTing (his previous caregroup leaders). But he cant. Michel would want to be able to trust God completely for everything single thing. But he cant. Doubt, disbelieve, tendency to want to control his life and the overpowering urge to make his own dreams real stops him from drawing close to God. If only... if only he would/could shed the desires of the world, the curtain of doubt, then and only then can he draw near to God.

6 Michel wants to be forgiving. But scars take a long long time to heal. And some... like that bruise on his elbows... NEVER go away.

7 Michel is not afraid of death. Rather the consequences of death. Having been near death's door quite a few times... and been depressed. Death is no stranger. Only the burdens of this world frighten him. That his family will grieve. That his family has no man to support them. That he will not be around to pour out his love on his family.

8 As much as Michel wants to go overseas to study. Like Yong Long and Stefanie... he knows that he is bound to Singapore. Family means alot to Michel and he will drop anything... anything when his family needs him.

And thats the way the cookie crumbles - Bruce Almighty

2008-09-27T00:11:00.002+08:00

Havent blogged for a long long time. Cos i really dun feel like blogging these days.

just saw tis girl on the mrt... her side profile really look like xiao mei mei.. .see ler jiu sad...

Diaoz

On the other hand had a great day with Derrick, Abel, Jason and Sim. We went to play pool, played dota. Had lunch at my all time favourite restaurant Nipponmura.

Ok... dun feel like blogging ler. zzz

2008-09-19T23:59:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday to me! Finally 19 years old. Hmmm feels no different from any other day. Except for the effort E357 has put into making me feel welcome.

Made my birthday wish: But it probably has as much chance as... er... an apple falling upwards. Cos i used the phrase 'hell freeze over' and it actually happened. Haiz.

Spent today (friday that is) swimming with mei yun. Fun experience. Glad that i do still have some friends left from the old days. I think that as time goes by, i lose more and more of them. Friends that come and go. But i guess its like a threshing machine, the ones left behind just grow closer and closer to me.

Resolutions for 19 year old Michel Lim
- Be as forgiving as i was in the past.
- Be patient and not let anger be my first reaction
- Learn to trust God and place my faith in faith
- Be wise beyond my years
- Get out of depression

2008-09-12T01:24:00.002+08:00

Love is a strange and weird thing.

Love hath driven man beyond measure of the things of the world. Love is the greatest motivator of man, yet it is also man's greatest weakness.

Love has crumbled nations, brought great men to their knees and defied circumstances. Love has overcome the odds, made real men of cowards, changed the course of history and brought happiness.

Love has murdered, love has ended in tragedies. Love has killed, broken hearts and changed personalities.
Love has brought up families, love has taught resilence to the weak, love has made men weak.

I simply do love Thomas Raith's paraphrasing of Corinthians 13:4-7

“Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.
When the stars fall and the earth grows cold,

only three things will endure, faith, hope, and love;
but the greatest of these is love.”

Sweet isnt it.
But the Love of Man is imperfect. Only Sogni Agape, unconditional love is the true everlasting love and one must be first loved by the Lord of Hosts, King of Kings, Holy of Holies to love others in a way that mirrors Sogni Agape.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On a side note, met Sabrina yesterday. And today met Magdalene. Now wonder who i will meet tmr? Cheryl or Angeline? Hahas... wonders...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Some random stuff.
Ppl i miss at odd times of the day. Wish they were here to talk with me.

Ethelyn Lim. The Belle of the Ball. Hahas oh yes she's really nice and charming. Miss disturbing her. Oh and she looks abiiit like Mischa Barton. Which is just so cool... *rambles*
Aha! Mr Yap!! My favourite teacher whom i personally feel should win several accolades for having the ability to make his students love him. Plus inspire us greatly. He's the man who made me love physics, and inspired me to be a great teacher. Mr Yap i love you! ee... sound like some lurvy durvy girl. ahh wadever...

Ok that looks ALOT like unglam me. Down to that watch, but i dun ever remember doing that. So it could just be someone else. totally hope its not me.
Oh yes! My guys! I miss you all so much! Sometimes wish TJC life never ended so we could stay close forever! All those stayovers, DotA and everything to the MAX!
Yismin, my former dance partner! Hahs, your boyfriend is really lucky seh. To have a so talented girlfriend who happens to be extremely cheerful and loves her little sister to bits.
Ah yes the crazy class of S210! From the right to the left, starting from the back.
Hwee Sian, Yismin, Jazel, Chun kit!!, Esther, Janet, Me, Min, Fangling, Jue kai!

Hahas badminton that day was really really crazy fun. Too bad life moves on and leaves us separate. Still at least Chunkit, yismin, Janet and I still talk!

Hehs, CK! Cant wait for NS to be over, then can meet you everyday. Dunno why i miss talking to you. Cos we dun have much in common to talk about... like anime...errgh so not my thing. Well at least there's MTG! Haha fight my UBER deck and you'll know what defeat is. Muahahax...

Ok. BACK to studying for FTT. Tried for a long post to postpone having to go back to study but guess i've run out of words to say.

Nitez peeps.

1. Dear Na, do take care alrite. May the Lord Jesus Christ protect you and your beloved from harm. May he turn away the weapons of jealousy, iniquity and violence. The good Lord keep you and bless you, and before him the wicked fall.

2. Goodnight sunshine. Hope your feeling better! Don think so much kkz.

3. God bless me for the FTT tmr! Have dessert part afterward so better do well if not.... SAD.

Amen.

2008-09-08T23:06:00.003+08:00

Tadah... as all can see.. those who read this anyway..zz. Can see my blog has changed template before the stipulated dateline. Hahas or DEADline. wadever.

Am trying my hardest not to think of Xiao anymore. Its just too unbearable. I cannot live with this shadow over me anymore. Everything moves on... and so must I.

Yupz and yes though i may fail once in awhile and think fondly of her.. albeit with some regret and mixed feelings of attraction and rebuke for falling for a girl who doesnt care for me, I shall move on to better things. Yeah. Ns may seem bleak from where im standing. No girls, just guys. But still there are lessons to learn in life here, among them is how to deal with ppl with a completely different outlook to life than mine. The second is how to stay honest to myself. And thirdly, to learn to trust God all over again.

After reading Ana's blog, i feel kinda disconcerted. Her online persona is much more emo than the real person. I guess its kinda like me. When u meet me vis a vis, im rarely sad and spend most of my time smiling and laughing.
But at home, i emo, i stone, i feel regret. Just like any normal person. Though my poker face doesnt reveal much, i guess my blog persona does. So yeah its disconcerting to realise that my friend is not really who she appears to be. Time to get to know ana better! *quack!!*

Ok psp here i come! Really thinking of getting it soon.

Some hilarious quotes

~Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a bananna~ Author unknown
~Sex is good, not everybody does it but everybody should~ LT Murphy from Blood Rites. Dresden files.

And finally,

To xiao mei mei: "Because a girl like you is impossible to find..." ~Secondhand Serenade Fall for you

2008-09-07T01:28:00.006+08:00

1 post about 60 seconds of fame is owed. Will do that the next post.

-------------------------------------------
today's post shall be about the happy things today.

Me and Eugene and having happily shopped at LHMC fair today. And yes we danced salsa! Boy am i glad my body has not forgotten the steps i learnt from J1 dance camp!!

YAY we all have 1 each! Hahas eugene one like hiding lor...

Nice sweet photo..

Yes thats me posing... on a bike. Lol i'll never get to ride one... prolly only cars in my life. My mum has forbidden me to ever ride a bike.

And all good things and times come to an end. So we took one last nice family photo...
Eugene (papa) , Ana (mummy), Sara(daughter) and Michel (son). LOLOL.

2008-09-07T00:59:00.002+08:00

001. real name : Michel Lim Yi Han
002. nickname: Donkey :-) Somehow this seems affectionate to me. And i think im kinda like that shrek donkey. Irritating and noisy, yet somehow useful in his own way.
003. single or taken : Single
004. zodiac sign : Snake
005. male or female : Male
006. elementary : Rosyth, Loyang
007. high : Hai Sing Catholic
008. college : Temasek JC
009. eye color : Brown
010. hair color : Boring Black hair
011. long or short hair : Short. The shorter the better.
012. shoe size : 7-8
013. asthma? : Yup. Bad too.
014. are you health freak : I like medicine. Not taking. But stocking and compiling them. I should be a doctor.
015. height : 160
016. do you have a crush on
someone: yep
017. do you like yourself: On my better days. Den again, i have quite alot of self confidence.
018. piercings : none
019. tattoos : None
020. righty or lefty: Righty

FIRSTS:

022. first surgery : A vacuum pipe down my throat counts?
023. first piercing : none. De-nada
024. first best friend : Matthew Chua
025. first movie : Jurassic Park
026. First sport you joined : Karate
027. first pet : Squirrel
028. first vacation : Bangkok
029. first concert : Dance on my kindergarten graduation night
030. first crush : Sophie

CURRENTLY :

049. eating : Just ate dinner awhile ago.
050. drinking : Feeling thirsty now.
052. i am : Feeling tired but not wanting to sleep.
053. listening to : The sound of Silence
055. waiting for : Me to get tired enough to go to sleep.
057. wearing : Black Levi's top and blue levi's jeans. No, not a levi fan.

YOUR FUTURE :

058. want kids? : Wanted 2 at first, now thinking of 3! 2 girls 1 boy! Etain, Sharon and Jensen.
059. want to get married? : Definitely.
060. careers in mind? : Physics professor at University. Hopefully HOD or Dean.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE
SEX? :

068. lips or eyes?: Lips
069. hugs or kisses : Hugs
070. shorter or taller : Shorter
072. romantic or spontaneous :
romaneous
073. stomach or arms : Stomach
074. sensitive or loud: Sensitive but spontaneous
075. hook-up or relationship: Relationship

HAVE YOU EVER :
078. kissed a stranger : Erm... My former Storytelling trainer kissed me in school. Eww... but it was her greeting, cos i think she's from america or smth.
080. lost glasses/contacts: Nope. Cmon i wear my glasses. How to lose. Break yes. I got into so many fights in Primary 5 i broke 6 pairs of specs in 1 year.
081. ran away from home : Tried once.
082. broken any bones : Dun think so.
084. broken someone's heart : Nope
085. been arrested : Nope
086. turned someone down : Yep.
087. cried when someone died : Nope
088. liked a friend : Yeah. Bad idea.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
089. yourself: Yes.
090. miracles : Yes. Definitely.
091. love at first sight : Used to. Now, not so sure.
092. heaven : Yep. Hey, im betting my eternity on that.
093. santa claus : WAd a dumbass...
094. fairies : Hope they do, but know they dont.
095. kissing on the first date: Maybe
096. angels : Yeah.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :

097. Is there one or more people you
want to be with right now?: Definitely. I wan my Xiao Mei mei anytime of the day. I'd wait whole days just for her.
098. Is Superman really better than
Batman?- Superman of cos. Batman is so ugly, so disgusting, so fake...like a wannabe hero. Cmon even the joker pwned his ass in the recent movie.
099. Have you had more than one
boyfriend/girlfriend at the same time?- Wa u think i so handsome ah. Most of the time don even have 1...

2008-09-04T23:33:00.002+08:00

Have been talking alot to Jan these days. Especially about love. And today as i was talking to her, i began to feel irrationally angry. Not angry at her, but rather angry at myself. Hahs... i guess mostly its because i've restricted myself from really thinking about Xiao Mei Mei. Havent felt the pain in ages. After talking to Jan and hearing how much she misses him... i began to think of Xiao...
And then when we went to eat sushi with all the peeps.
NipponMura
Derrick, Jason, Myo, Sim, Me, Janet.
It was really filling and a fun experience. But then i emo abit... cos i see all the places i've been there with Xiao and then start to emo like Jan liddat. So thats why i resolve, no matter how much i yearn for Xiao inside, i will not let myself be brought to this emo state.
Yea, he doesnt reply Jan. And Xiao doesnt reply me. I'm at my wits end... so thats that. Its time to forget and move on. Though the feelings are apt to stay there for a pretty long time. Its just not worth it.

Anywayz, 60 seconds of fame tmr. Looking forward to it. Have shuttle bus from tanah merah all the way there. Derrick, Abel and Yismin :-)

Darn i miss the old S210 days. Where regardless of where we come from, regardless of race, regardless of gender, we had immense fun. We ate prata together, sang 'Wake me up when september ends' on the bus, mass danced together and supported each other in every way possible.

At least after everything's been said and done, i guess i still talk to Yismin and Janet is a good thing already. Considering all the friends i value and going away. Haiz. Esp my xiao mei mei.

Miss her so badly, just want to talk to her...
zz.
I sound despo. Disgusting. errgh.

Going to sleep and completely forget about her.

2008-09-01T21:53:00.002+08:00

I miss Xiao Mei mei. Was looking at a slide show of her while i was talking to janet just now. zz... reallie miss talking to her. Xiao mei mei that is...

It was quite... funny. In a way...
Was talking to janet about love problems... and her words kept echoing in my brain... and the pictures of xiao mei mei keep changing. Im a messed up guy. Broach the subject of love, and i shy away from it. Cos i get images of Jess at times... and others, Xiao mei mei.

Weird world of fickle michel? wadeva... both seem pretty accurate from over here.

2008-08-31T00:27:00.002+08:00

I realized something.
.
.
.
That this blog is kinda pointless already.

In the process of helping my dear Janet heal, i realize i am also healing myself. As we take this journey of healing together, life's beginning to look up.

God take my hand. I dont want to feel angry, or sad over the past anymore.
I dont want to think of violence and sheer vengefulness when i think of ZY.
I dont want to be sad when i think of Jes. I want to think of things as fondly as possible.
Lord i dont want to feel lonely even in the midst of a crowd.
And Lord i know all these are possible because your are standing with me, your presence overwhelms me, and i fall on my knees to worship your amazing grace.

Lord, as i reflected during cellgroup. I realize that i do still have some inability to completely put my faith in you. I want to Love you not just in the things i do, but in the attitude of faith that i have.
I want to believe, and BE.
Amen.

Wall-E was great.

It wasnt that great a story. But it was a cute love story. And it was long. Worth money ba.
And i think Wall E is now my favourite cartoon character.
He's so cute!!
Does things with a determined personality. Never gives up fighting for love. And makes really funny sounds. Cares for his cockroach pet. Loves to play.
And innocent too.

I realize my dota skills suck. Really suck. Played dota with Alvin just now on Bnet. Got pwned like...crap.

2008-08-28T23:04:00.004+08:00

Havent been blogging mainly cos i havent been feeling well. Kinda having a fever. Feel shag and tired.

Well NS is... infuriating as usual. Kinda sianz that i have to go back into BMT. CAnt seem to find the bright side on that.
Except:
1. Change in work from my normal everyday lifestyle
2. No responsibilities. Less stress
3. There'll be more guys to have fun with and play!

Bad points
1. They guys all probably going to ORD. EEE... Mine still long way away. Seriously.. cant wait for ORD man. I wanna go back and be a teacher and earn more money than my current meager pay so it can help my family!
2. There might possibly be punishments once again in BMT.
3. It'll be more regimental. Which is good. But bad when u come from a less regimental unit.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, im trying to decide. What i should get. A PSP or a ipod Video for my bday.
Hmm...I want to listen to music and watch movie. A PSP can do both and more. Like play games as well. Ipod video can do both but no games. However, i want to bring in for my recourse. So... PSP cannot bring in. But Ipod Video can. So wad do i do? Sianz it out for recourse but enjoy for the reamining 1 year of ns. Or get ipod video and enjoy it during recourse but sians it out.
OH WAIT problem solved. Borrow sis's mp3 for NS and get PSP!!!! woo...

Shall go sleep now so tmr wont be sick.
And pray for God's healing.
Oh yes. Cellgroup tmr.

~Make new friends
But keep the old
For one is silver
the other gold~

Some photo reminisces

Banana pancakes are lovely

The world, after Judgement day. Just see how everything is worn away and half of what the once were. Even as the rain washes away the sands of the earth. The sands of time and the destruction of mankind shall wash away all that was of our civilization.

*Alarm with sound & laser will zap when foreign food is detected*
VERY CUTE. Hahas i burst out laughing when i saw this sigh at NEEBO cafe.

People to walk the mountains with. The best girls humanity has to offer.
Hearts <33

2008-08-25T22:38:00.003+08:00

Was thinking about Yonglongs comments to get my scholarly self back. Hah and how Ns has ruined my brain. The other day i was struggling to count $50 - $11.20 = ?
Tough man. Before i could even find my mental calculator, Xiaoting count finish for me ler. So Sad!

Then i remembered this. Haha veri funny. Lolz. K gotta go off ler and prepare my MTG album for my dear friend to see tmr. One more battle coming right up!

Lol. Sry yonglong, the answer still hasnt come yet. Lemme think somemore.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
About to go off then i realized i still havent finished saying stuff.
One reason why this blog is like this is because i am learning the lesson of how to seize the day. To carpe diem. Not to let the moment go and pass you by. To learn to say I love you to your friends and the people you care around you. You never know how long they'll be left around. Or you will be left around. Accidents happen everyday. And there's a better way to ensure you do good and right by others than just by buying insurance so that when you die they benefit abit.

It is to care and love your friends like everyday is their last day.
In Karate, we are taught to punch like every punch is our last punch. Its tiring. Its difficult. Its easy to give up when the circumstances overwhelm you.
But in the end, its more worth it when push comes to shove, when the world tilts on its axis, you'll find yourself a richer man.

So thats why i want to take the opportunity here to say I love you's to the people i care for.
Love has a wide ranging field of meanings but foremost among them in my definition is the care for them. The want/need/desire to be in their lives and to help them in any way possible. No human heart is big enough to love everyone, yet i can say i do love people because im not shy to say it. There's time and then there's time. But in the end, time and tide wait for no man or woman. And needs must.

So, a big I Love You
~ God. Jesus.
~Xiao Mei Mei
~My family and extended family and foster family
~Eugene, po kiat, tammy, mei yun, hui yun(all 3 ya=p), angel (and the rest of E357)

In the Dark of Your Night

Foul beast
that slinks in shadows,
hyena grin

believing you have them all fooled.

Death is your closest companion
a bosum buddy
to warm you in the lonely nights
when you accept

that you have nothing left to lose.

The blackness within multiplies
festering
in beautiful decay
and there is a joy
in the tainting

of everything you touch.

Lashing out
at the inevitable,
the inner rage simmering as
your forced smile
bleeds to grimace
and destruction is

all you have left to share.

(the poem wraps up with sticking my tongue out. It's a performance piece.)

Taken from http://lakotaphillips.blogspot.com/2008/07/wu-oh-almost-forgot.html

Sometimes Death can be your closest friend (for the secular, see now who your closest friend is, for the faithful, you know its God)
Just think, your death is there, a shadow half a step behind you wherever you go, whatever you do. All the time, your death is there knowing your thoughts and sharing your moments of joy and pain. And when the time finally comes, death takes you by your hand and leads you on to the next part of your journey. So dont the secular find it funny/weird/morbid that the closest friend in their life may actually be death?

I think YL will understand when I say sometimes i can feel Death's shadow hovering near by letting me know he's near. At times i can feel God assuring me my time is his time. But we all know, that life is too short to make enemies, too short to feel regrets, too short to not say things and do things. Just the other day, me and my commander were wondering morbidly about death. And he was saying he'd rather death come quickly for him and he not know it. Because just imagine knowing your gonna die, and that everything you do is the last thing of that thing your gonna do. How precious everything will seem then wont it?

Just listen to Seasons in the Sun. Written by a guy convicted to death. Every word reflects all the missing parts of life he'll never experience, watching his daughter grow up. Watching his daughter's first boyfriend. Watching his daughter get married. And also all the things he knows are gonna be the last. Breathing the scent of flowers, feeling the sun on your face. Loving your loved ones.

So thats why i encourage all, to say what you mean and mean what you say. dont let your ego get in your way, dont let the expectations of society, nor the rigidness of rules and social behaviour hold you back from doing what you must do or saying what you must say. You have ONE life, LIVE it.

I love you Xiao mei mei, and i care for you and i want to be part of your life.
I love you eugene, dont leave me out of your life even as you go overseas. I want to spend my old age drinking beer and laughing at jokes with you.
I love you God, dont leave me ever alone.
I love you my dearest papa and mummy, I really appreciate everything you have done for me and how much your so readily love me.
I love you grandpa and grandma, for doting on me, for loving me, and for holding me even when i was a little toddler, hugging me when i cried as i first went to school. Soothing me when i was bored when my house was being renovated.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nextly, i have a story i read from a short story somewhere. I shall rewrite it out but not today. It will show you how each moment is precious.

goodnight everybody

2008-08-24T21:56:00.002+08:00

Heh. I hope xiao mei mei sees this blog, lest all my blog tinkering late into the wee hours of the morning go to waste.

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On to another subject. Went to the Mother your not just a name campaign today at my church with my cellgroup and SIM!! Hahas it was very touching. The show Money not enough 2 was very very touching. Though from it I learnt alot on who not to be. Maybe Jessica got too high expectations of every movie she watches... dont think she's ever given any movie 10/10 before...
And after the screening. Jack Neo and his cast.. chai yi lin... etc. from the show la... came out to sing. The songs. Jipaban thingy... and the other one on doting on ur children and no word of thanks. Very moving and it made me just randomly type to my parents ILU messages. It really makes your reflect on seizing the things around and treasuring them because you never know when they wont be around. In the show also, one of the main causes of them being unable to cope properly and eventually resulting in the mistreatment of and death of their mother was their pride. They were very aware about how embarrassing things would be, on how paiseh or tiu lian doing certian things in a manner would make them seem to other people. I think that this shows that pride gets in the way of things that are most important to us. But really... who cares about how you do things? Sure 1 laugh.. 2 laughs.. whole singapore laugh... in the end if your the one that comes out on top. He who laughs last laughs loudest longest. (this is a tongue twister by the way). So i tink really that pride and ego is useless... an adornment we hang around ourselves just like the material possessions we cover ourselves under to hide our insecurities.
Another part is how the grandmother's character made her the true hero in the show. And its not just that way in movies but in life also. If u do but put others before yourself, your reward in heaven is greater.
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Work tmr. Dangz. I needa go slp ler. Later too tired to function tmr.
Just drank coke. dunno whether can sleep. LOL. ok since im tired i shall try.
Goodnight everybody

2008-08-24T01:16:00.002+08:00

Thought i would make a new blogskin cos i got tired of seeing my face everytime i go online to play music.

then i thought of a blogskin that shall last till my birthday. Haha only limited skin...
So since my birthday is near, tis skin wont last long so i can put some stuff up there however weird it may seem.

And yes. Xiao Mei Mei is somebody nobody knows so forget trying to guess who she is. Only she knows.

Who knows, i may have to shut this skin down tmr...

Oh wellz, i guess its the current emo mood that makes me dare to put this kind of thing up here.
I cant reach her. She wont talk to me.

End of Story.

Michel just wants to talk to her.
End of end of Story.

P.S. Talk to me. And if seeing this makes you angry, then call me and scold me.

2008-08-23T00:57:00.002+08:00

Been facing some objections to my church from my commander (one of them at any rate since im not supposed to blog about army). Though technically speaking my religion is none of their business. But i feel good everytime someone insults or speaks badly of my church/God. As though hoping to dissuade me. Its rather heartening. Just think, if your religion were dead... no one would give a flying foxtrot about it..
And the more they try to discourage me about it, the more i smile. Because Satan only tries to distract you when you are on the right path. Do you think the devil would lead you astray when you already are on the wrong path? Nah, the bugger would just let you continue on in your ignorance. The fact that my church is under fire, isnt because its bad or lousy or anything, those are for me to judge because i am the one who undergoes the Godly experience, who are you who does not know what it is like to be in the presence of your eternal father? It just goes to prove that the path i am on is moving, its alive and its succeeding in a path the devil dislikes and sends ppl along the way to distract you from the path you should be walking. Therefore always i urge you to pay attention to the road you are walking.

To those who are hungry, the Lord says "Man shall not live by bread alone but from the Word that cometh from my mouth."

To those who are weak, the Lord says "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

The Lord will never leave you nor forsake you. And he loves you with a love so perfect as to be beyond your understanding.

Dear Lord, I just want to say a few words Lord, that you may take this word offering and bless the people around me. May the weak be strong in you, may the poor be rich in you. May you turn your countenance on them in the days to come, and even as we walk through the valley of the shadow of death, Lord you will be there standing with thy rod and thy staff for they comfort us. Father, i pray for the sick, may the chains of disease be broken, may broken flesh become whole. In your almighty name, for you are our Jehovah Raphe, healer and saviour, may all these things be done for the greater glory of your kingdom which is coming.
Amen.

2008-08-19T00:22:00.002+08:00

Tmr is my BTT!!
eee... better not fail lata eugene laugh at mi...

*groans*

Hahas i have no idea why i am typing like that.
"Hahaz i haf no idea y i am typing liddat*

LOL. Looks like i could start typing in girlspeak/shorthand ler.

Was supposed to go for Megan's surprise bday party. Emphasis on the SURPRISE... cos it wasnt anymore after i wished her happy birthday.. :-(

Budden couldnt go out. Too dark, late and it was raining. awwz..

Nvm sleep "early" so tmr can go for btt. and be happy.

2008-08-16T23:52:00.002+08:00

Went all the way to Boon Lay to see the City Harvest Church Building. Stepped into the auditorium and i felt... so at home. Its like stepping into the house of your Lord knowing that somehow some part of it belongs to you. Swee~
The auditorium was bright and clean, shining bright just the way i picture my house to be in the future. It was spartan, and shone with faith. How a building shines with faith i cannot explain... but its like stepping into a place of eternal worship to the Lord. And it smelled great too.
We prayed. And i sowed some part of me into the coming evangelistic event. For the first time, i feel part of a church event. Curiously, even in Hope church, the evangelistic events i took part in, earnestly brought ppl to it... i never felt like a part of me was in it. Maybe it was because as i sat there with yulan, we really prayed for each and every part of the event to succeed. Naming all the potential problems and claiming victory for it in the name of our Lord. It was a special feeling.

Was supposed to go for driving today. But i really really didnt feel like it so i didnt go. But my BTT on tuesday... and i havent gone for any e trials. Dun worry michel! You can do it. Now... go revise... :...(

Finally am healing inside, thought back on past issues and surprisingly didnt feel that sharp jab of anger anymore... i wonder, is God finally heal me of that longtime scar?

I remember watching to dear girls perform on stage at Wicked!
Cui Xia and Tessa Q.
It was lovely cos both of them were the main role players.
If im not wrong, Cui xia as Glinda and Tessa as Elphaba.
They sang defying gravity. And it was touching. Because having read the part of that musical in the book... the magical journey to the Wizard of Oz and of the following goodbyes when elphaba realises she has to leave Glinda.
So as they sang, and moved to the music, i saw cui xia and tessa singing goodbye. And i was moved. Because i know both girls and they are really sweet, and also cos the goodbye in the book was saddening and touching... my eyes teared.
It was lovely. And thereafter i kept watching Edina Mendala and whoever perform on youtube. Anyway here are the lyrics.

GLINDA
(spoken) Elphaba - why couldn't you have stayed calm for
once, instead of flying off the handle!
(sung) I hope you're happy!
I hope you're happy now
I hope you're happy how you
Hurt your cause forever
I hope you think you're clever!

ELPHABA
I hope you're happy
I hope you're happy, too
I hope you're proud how you
Would grovel in submission
To feed your own ambition

BOTH
So though I can't imagine how
I hope you're happy right now

GLINDA
(spoken) Elphie, listen to me. Just say you're sorry:
(sung) You can still be with the Wizard
What you've worked and waited for
You can have all you ever wanted:

ELPHABA
(spoken) I know:
(sung) But I don't want it -
No - I can't want it
Anymore:

Something has changed within me
Something is not the same
I'm through with playing by the rules
Of someone else's game
Too late for second-guessing
Too late to go back to sleep
It's time to trust my instincts
Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try
Defying gravity
I think I'll try
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down!

GLINDA
Can't I make you understand?
You're having delusions of grandeur:

ELPHABA
I'm through accepting limits
''cause someone says they're so
Some things I cannot change
But till I try, I'll never know!
Too long I've been afraid of
Losing love I guess I've lost
Well, if that's love
It comes at much too high a cost!
I'd sooner buy
Defying gravity
Kiss me goodbye
I'm defying gravity
And you can't pull me down:
(spoken) Glinda - come with me. Think of what we could
do: together.

(sung) Unlimited
Together we're unlimited
Together we'll be the greatest team
There's ever been
Glinda -
Dreams, the way we planned 'em

GLINDA
If we work in tandem:

BOTH
There's no fight we cannot win
Just you and I
Defying gravity
With you and I
Defying gravity

ELPHABA
They'll never bring us down!
(spoken) Well? Are you coming?

GLINDA
I hope you're happy
Now that you're choosing this

ELPHABA
(spoken) You too
(sung) I hope it brings you bliss

BOTH
I really hope you get it
And you don't live to regret it
I hope you're happy in the end
I hope you're happy, my friend:

ELPHABA So if you care to find me
Look to the western sky!
As someone told me lately:
"Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!"
And if I'm flying solo
At least I'm flying free
To those who'd ground me
Take a message back from me
Tell them how I am
Defying gravity
I'm flying high
Defying gravity
And soon I'll match them in renown
And nobody in all of Oz
No Wizard that there is or was
Is ever gonna bring me down!

GLINDA
I hope you're happy!

CITIZENS OF OZ
Look at her, she's wicked!
Get her!

ELPHABA
:Bring me down!

CITIZENS OF OZ
No one mourns the wicked
So we've got to bring her

ELPHABA
Ahhh!

CITIZENS OF OZ
Down!

Absolutely spiffin wot' !!

2008-08-14T23:50:00.002+08:00

Was thinking about this epiphany yesterday. 2 quotes that floated into my mind's eye.

The first is this:
When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.
Alexander Graham Bell

I remember this all to clearly. When i graduated from hsc, cui xia gave me a card with this inscription on it. My parents teased me about it eliciting some hidden meaning.. *rolls eyes*
But i never thought about this quote seriously before.

The second quote from my pastor (one of the many)
'Not every open door is from God and not every closed door is from the devil'

I know that these past few weeks i have been struggling with Eugene's idea of the illusion of freedom and my own thoughts of having no thoughts that are your own. For once im gonna step down the philosophical debate and concentrate on something abit more meaningful to life.

As i think about my life and the many doors that open and close. I've come to realise that myself am a very sentimental person. I treasure things for the intangible value they posses. The inherent pricelessness in itself. And the past few doors that have closed on me. I guess this new perspective has shown itself to me. The doors are closed by God and i must not fix my eyes so hard upon that which was lost(i tend to do that and my greatest enemy is regret) and concentrate upon the other doors that open for me.

I realize that life is not fair. It is just. What we make of it is what we get. If ur lemondade tastes better than mine... its not cos i got lousier lemons(maybe sometimes it does) but how i make my lemonade.

And the more i do not see the open doors, the more i lose out on what God has planned for me.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back to philosophy because my brain doesnt like operating at low frequency.
I was thinking about memories.

And even if you were in some prison, the walls of which let none of the sounds of the world come to your senses - would you not then still have your childhood, that precious, kingly possession, that treasure-house of memories? ~Rainer Maria Rilke

Memories are our life. Without them we have no life. Like Dr Suresh in Heroes said, memories give us puporse. Humans are the only species who live constantly in the past.

"The present is a gift from the past to mould the future"

The other day, i caught derrick in office with a book trying to improve his memory. Wait. Dont laugh. Its a good thing.

I sometimes think that memory is the only thing which separates us for animals. Sure some animals have memory. But none on the scale of a human. If an animal were given memory. Who's to say that it will not learn from its mistakes sooner or later and become sentient?

Anyway its really late...
PS. Saw a hot girl... only to realize that she recognises me and i dont!
how.... embarrasing... hey cmon.. its been 3 years k...

2008-08-14T23:19:00.003+08:00

Speech by Adrian Tan at NTU convocation ceremony

Life and How to Survive It
Below is a speech to the graduating class of 2008 at NTU convocation ceremony last week by Adrian Tan, a litigation lawyer and the author of The Teenage Textbook.

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your convocation address. It’s a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when you’ve already won her heart, you don’t need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end of education. You’re done learning.

You’ve probably been told the big lie that “Learning is a lifelong process” and that therefore you will continue studying and taking masters’ degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don’t you think there is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to be repeat customers.

The good news is that they’re wrong.

The bad news is that you don’t need further education because your entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of you. You’re in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean the average life span of a group of people. But I’m here to talk about a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There’s very little danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you’ll have another 40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they’re 50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn’t meet their life expectancy.

I’m here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it’s calculated based on an average. And you never, ever want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working, falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them. And you don’t need years of education by the best minds in Singapore to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life’s a mess. You are not entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don’t expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term “Karoshi”, which means death from overwork. That’s the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day, bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there’s nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There’s a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are “making a living”. No, they’re not. They’re dying, frittering away their fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan "Arbeit macht frei" was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps. Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy it and I would do it for free. If I didn’t do that, I would’ve been in some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don’t imagine you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I’ll go further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you don’t, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I’m not asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be hated.

It’s not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused, murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it’s often the case that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one’s own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn’t say “be loved”. That requires too much compromise. If one changes one’s looks, personality and values, one can be loved by anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We’ve taken a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise. Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance. It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning, attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn’t happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to loving someone. You either don’t, or you do with every cell in your body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don’t work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

You’re going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there’s no life expectancy.

2008-08-11T22:59:00.014+08:00

Supposed to go for morning prayers and meet tammy really really early. But i couldnt wake up so in the end skipped out on those 2 events. So just went to meet meiyun for lunch. We went ikea to eat. Yummy. time to post some pics my blog's been devoid of pics for a very long time. Its time to move past the sad times.

Picture's galore! In no particular order(because im too lazy to arrange them)

E357 (best church cg by the way...haha yes biased..) Idol! Sing!!!

Our very latest E357 model:-) who's best buddies with the keep out sign dudes... look she's joined the queue! Haha yes E357 is very entertaining with her around:-)
Our Mr Birthday Boi and his Addidas advertisement. Gogo! (I hope they pay me money for this picture)

Ana and the king! haha yes yes... Thats the Donald Duck Duo at Derricks party. (nice alliteration
)
My dear Audiophilic friend
The world's nicest, sweetest, gentlest, purest, kindest, bestest, maturest girl's in da world!Beautiful sky clouds with irridescence.

Yes! The IKEA lunch dining partners! 2 Spaghetti Bolognaise with 1 coke, 1 sprite and 1 Chicken nuggets and Fries.
Camwhoring.. like nobodies business. Thats why we click. We heart photos=p
And yes after that yummy lunch, miss 1 hour of sleep finally sleeps... and look she even looks glam while she sleeps=p

And yes, thank you cx for talking to me.
Thx mei yun for today.
And most of all, thanks to God for accompanying me these past weeks that have been really testing.

2008-08-10T21:42:00.004+08:00

REFLECTIONS

It just occured to me that several things have changed since i broke up.

Here are some questions I'd like to pose and see if anyone can come up with the best answer.
Pls email your answers to michellim21@hotmail.com

The question is

"What constitutes 'growing up'?"

The answer must answer the following
- Why you think so
- Is 'growing up' good or bad?
- Is 'growing up' losing your innocence?
- Is 'growing up' seeing the truth of "Goodness in men" or "Inherent Evil in Men"?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

See the reason why i pose this is because, I used to believe in the nobility of mankind. Altruism. Idealism. As opposed to the darker side of cynics. The selfish.

I believed that man would do good deeds for others for no reason then because it was so.

I found myself becoming selfish after i broke up. Caught myself feeling selfish. Nobility of man seeming like naivete to me. Because even those you love can hurt you, and will hurt you.

And i began to wonder. Is growing up becoming clear about the horrible reality of life? Seeing past the illusion that life is all golden and creamy?

Or is that just you becoming disillusioned about life? Becoming depressed. See, i get fed up when ppl say "Do grow up!" or "Can you be more mature?"

Its stupid to say that because i dont think those ppl can even define what growing up/mature is?
Anything you say, i can pick a whole in.
So i DARE you to give me an answer.

So now i wonder whether i am now mature? By being selfish (because i now see the world for what it really is)? Or is that just being disillusioned. Was i mature before my break up? (where i was idealistic, believed in altruism and did deeds as i believed that were for the greater good)

So tell me. Which is which?

I remember, my pastor talking about girlfriends from hell. (and boyfriends not to forget too)

And isit bad of me to say i had one? Not to say that this is like airing dirty laundry... but i just sit back and think, and think, and think. And i have nothing to say that can oppose that.

What did i lose?
- Innocence
- Idealism (believing in altruism)
- Illusion that life was gonna be fine

Do you call that maturing? Or disillusioning?
Depends on which side of the crucible you are, therein you'll find your answer.

So yes. I guess, is the answer.

Then again, was i a boyfriend from hell?
I dunno. But i certainly hope with this outlook, i wont be one in the future. Goodness knows. Being disillusioned is bad enough, but disillusioning someone else?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And yes, i thought about it. Poofing is not the question. The question is, are you a friend i should be having?

In a recent sermon, close friends are those around you that you keep close to your heart. In them you will find a close approximation/reflection of who you are. The kind of friends you keep, the lifestyles you interact with, all determine what you will look like on the inside. Even today, as i was browsing through my Bible (Basic Instruction Booklet for Life on Earth), i came across some verse which said something like that too.

True. Networking is ok. Its good. Casual friends, acquaintances, are good. But those close to you should be the kind of people you want to be. They should embody things that are good. And this is kind off stupid cos no one is perfect, but yes dont mess with the toots from hell.

And for your information, i wasnt like this before i met you. If u didnt know who i am, thats because who i am now is not who i was then.
And i thought that at least, I'd stay true to my honesty. (I'm probably gonna regret this in the future when i regain my senses or when i stop feeling the need to hurt you back...) Which is probably why its better if i dont talk to you anymore. Lest i hurt you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2008-08-09T02:48:00.002+08:00

Went out with Mei Yun and her friends for dinner today. Overall, kinda awkward with so many guys and girls i dunno. And well dinner... was a waste. Ordered spicy beef sliced and stir fried with onions and rice dish at Thai Express. Ate four mouthfuls and almost died from the spicyness. Worse than chinese water torture i tell you. So in the end didnt finished it though it cost a whopping $15. Ate dinner a second time at LJS. Sighz. Wasted money.. but really i did try my level best to eat as much as i can. arrgh

Got a mix up with my e trial dates. Tmr headache. But at least dun have to wake up so early.

Anywayz time to crash if not cannot wake up for cell tmr:-)

2008-08-06T09:52:00.001+08:00

2008-08-03T21:47:00.002+08:00

Im pissed.
It seems a mood that i find myself in quite often.
Like an elastic rubber band that i pull as i drag mself away from this pit of pissful-ness. I rubber band back ever so occasionally.
Pissed at myself. Pissed at Jess. Pissed at my sis. Pissed at everyone telling me what to do. WTF do i have to do? What should i do so that nobody freaking tells me what to do, who to be, what to say, how inefficient i am, or remind me of the mistakes i've made?

And wondering if God and the Devil will stop messing around in/with my mind.

If i think a bad thought, is it me or the devil planting that thought in my mind?
If i think a good thought, is it me or God influencing me?
Where does it stop? If it is indeed God and the devil... then... what does Michel actually think?

If it is all Michel... den Michel is wholly and only to blame for every bad thing he does.
Then it is not the devil that leads him into temptation but Michel himself.
Then... what do you need the devil or God for?

Christianity has so many paradoxes. Though i do not doubt God is there... how can i solve all the bloody paradoxes. I cant live with them hanging over my head like an awful rain cloud/ eye sore.

If God is omniscient, how can he not know humanity would turn out this way? If he is omniscient, then wouldnt he have made all his decisions in the past? If he is omniscient, then how can a man change his mind? When God already knows what the man is going to say? If he knows everything i am going to do... then where's my free will to choose? If he only knows the choices that i can chose... then that makes him no longer omniscient anymore...

Ok i solved the omnipotent problems already.

And i have no problems with omnipresence...

Thank God that my God is Pan Omnipropus (possesing of all the omniproperties) but when u say something is absolutely something... the human mind runs into problems. We have problems conceiving perfectness of something. Where's perfect beauty got us? No one can define it... How about elegant mathematics... or the perfect physics equation? Na-da...

Or perfect anything? In fact the only times we use perfect, absolute are in conjunction with the concept of God. Because we cannot wholly understand something wholly perfect, therefore we pass the burden on to the perfect person to go and deal with it..

And ignorance is bliss, sometimes i wish i were stupider, so i wouldnt have to deal with all these kind of problems that run tangles and knots in my mind. Or sometimes i wish i were smarter so i could untangle all the knots... but knowing life, there's still a bigger can of worms to open...

yes, love can be blind. but that is just attraction. attraction is blind. love acknowledges faults and weaknesses and "believes the best even though u see the worst".

So... from this. I conclude that love is Hope, Attraction, and Stubborness thrown together.

And yes, seventh month... whatever. But my house is being haunted... by some weinie ghost who doesnt scare me. ytd. as i was playing dota with my dad, in the room. just 2 of us. not doing anything but pressing buttons. We heard a cracking sound... and phank a silver ball bounced off the wall near the ceiling, bounced around a few times off my shelves and landed smack in front of my dad. My dad had a weird look on his face. At first i thought the ball was from some part of the air-con system. But on closer inspection it was revealed to be a 3/4 silver ball with cotton bud inside. Which of course did not belong in any part of the air con. But rather a cap from one of my mum's perfume bottle. ( we did not find any perfume bottle it fitted btw) And if indeed somehow it rolled off the top of the air con, it wouldnt have made that funny crack sound or bounced of the wall NEAR the top of the ceiling. It would just have rolled off and dropped to the ground. It was almost as thought the ball was flung from another dimension into my room... and indeed from my view of perspective, i had turned to look at the air con where the crack sound came from and it seemed to me the silver blur had just started in mid air about 1.25 metres above my sister's chair... weird man...

2008-07-31T22:18:00.003+08:00

My 300th post. I shall celebrate it on a cheerful mood.

Just watched a really touching episode of Beach. Ball. Babes.
It was so moving. Ok la the show is something like i like you, you like me... den later u don like me, like someone else. Change bf/gf... Hahas until they find the perfect match then happie ler. Even though its a somewhat silly plot. They have very touching moments. And sometimes is sooo rou ma my hair stands and my heart melts. When i see the guys so sweet to the girls, sia(=p) wish i had a girl i could be that sweet to.

And Dawn Yeoh... *sighz*. If have such a character in real life i fall for her ler lorh. So sweet, innocent, and really really loving. She love that chris character so much she was willing to do anything for him. And the way she behave for him, make pizza, cook dinner, do special stuff for him really really touching (if she were a real personality)

LOL. I wan a gf like that lor. Someone who i mean the world to, and who means the world to me. I wouldnt have it any other way... *winks*

Anyway i cant find proper pictures of her acting in Beach. Ball. Babes. So i'll have to produce other photos which dont really reflect the character that i like so much in Beach. Ball. Babes.

Nah. Not so pretty. Not so innocent looking. Guess you'll have to watch the show for yourself.
FOP tmr! Cant wait. Im so eager to go for it!!! Weets~!

2008-07-30T08:27:00.002+08:00

Ripped this off Claudia's blog because I found it hilarious.

Your Debut Album

1 - Go to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Random. The first random Wikipedia article you get is the name of your band.
2 - Go to Random Quotations: http://www.quotationspage.com/random.php3. The last four words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

If you want to do this again, you’ll hit refresh to generate new quotes, because clicking the quotes link again will just give you the same quotes over and over again.

3 - Go to flickr’s “Explore The Last Seven Days” http://www.flickr.com/explore/interesting/7days/. Third picture, no matter what it is, will be your album cover.

Put it all together, that’s your debut album.

So what I get is
Name of my band:

F.C. Domagnano

(F.C. Domagnano is a sanmarinese football club and the team's colors are red and yellow.)
Title of my first album: Shall they be saved
(By Jane Goodall, Only if we understand can we care. Only if we care will we help. Only if we help shall they be saved)
Album cover:

LOL. Can i say gross?

Ahahaha so random this thing. So cute. Lol
Cmon everybody! Make your own debut album!

2008-07-28T22:29:00.002+08:00

Interesting. I am just gonna stand here... and watch as the world takes away everything that makes me happy. Im gonna laugh in silent masochistic psychopathic laughter as everything i treasure starts to fade away.

And the worst part...

I cant do anything about it. Sometimes we wonder why people need scapegoats... and i know now. I do need one to bash up, bloody his nose, break his limbs and crucify him.

All the frustration, all the rejection, all the humiliation, all the viscious vengefulness against me is flooding my psyche and i just wanna lash out screaming.

I understand that moving on is a part of life... and yes sometimes the people we love NEVER love us back...

1. Trying to keep the green eyed monster away. Am i paranoid, afraid or just plain jealous. Every one of them a sin... yet it rears its ugly head and plants doubt in my mind. As i watch... my love is drifting away. And i stand here.... unable to reach out.

2. So many mean ppl in the world... i worry about the younger generation. I suppose for every bad person we meet, there's a nice person out there somewhere. Though i somehow seem to meet that awful person out there. Little kids online cheat me of my money when i trust them. Mean people sabotage my clan for no reason. Sometimes i wonder, if i had a nuclear bomb would i use it to end all the suffering? Look at negative utilitarianism, less life, less suffering. Maximum suffering minimized.

3. My Lord, i dont understand. What Habbakuk asked you answered but i could not understand your answer? Holy spirit reply me... tell me why... why is the world like this?

4. My Lord, am i violent? I dont want to be.. but anger is my bane. Please forgive me father and give me the strength to fight my anger. Help me to forgive the wrongs for these burdens do nothing for me but weigh down my soul and make me miserable.

Thank you father for being there for me. Lord, I love you. And i wanna surrender everything to you. Because i know i want to control things and the more i control the more i lose because i cannot control things. So lord, i lose them all into your hands. That you give me what you will and you heal me.

Amen. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

2008-07-27T23:03:00.002+08:00

Today had a great time with God.

Isaiah 45 (New International Version)

New International Version (NIV)

Isaiah 45

1 "This is what the LORD says to his anointed,
to Cyrus, whose right hand I take hold of
to subdue nations before him
and to strip kings of their armor,
to open doors before him
so that gates will not be shut:

2 I will go before you
and will level the mountains ^[a] ;
I will break down gates of bronze
and cut through bars of iron.

3 I will give you the treasures of darkness,
riches stored in secret places,
so that you may know that I am the LORD,
the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

4 For the sake of Jacob my servant,
of Israel my chosen,
I summon you by name
and bestow on you a title of honor,
though you do not acknowledge me.

5 I am the LORD, and there is no other;
apart from me there is no God.
I will strengthen you,
though you have not acknowledged me,

6 so that from the rising of the sun
to the place of its setting
men may know there is none besides me.
I am the LORD, and there is no other.

7 I form the light and create darkness,
I bring prosperity and create disaster;
I, the LORD, do all these things.

8 "You heavens above, rain down righteousness;
let the clouds shower it down.
Let the earth open wide,
let salvation spring up,
let righteousness grow with it;
I, the LORD, have created it.

9 "Woe to him who quarrels with his Maker,
to him who is but a potsherd among the potsherds on the ground.
Does the clay say to the potter,
'What are you making?'
Does your work say,
'He has no hands'?

10 Woe to him who says to his father,
'What have you begotten?'
or to his mother,
'What have you brought to birth?'

11 "This is what the LORD says—
the Holy One of Israel, and its Maker:
Concerning things to come,
do you question me about my children,
or give me orders about the work of my hands?

12 It is I who made the earth
and created mankind upon it.
My own hands stretched out the heavens;
I marshaled their starry hosts.

13 I will raise up Cyrus ^[b] in my righteousness:
I will make all his ways straight.
He will rebuild my city
and set my exiles free,
but not for a price or reward,
says the LORD Almighty."

14 This is what the LORD says:
"The products of Egypt and the merchandise of Cush, ^[c]
and those tall Sabeans—
they will come over to you
and will be yours;
they will trudge behind you,
coming over to you in chains.
They will bow down before you
and plead with you, saying,
'Surely God is with you, and there is no other;
there is no other god.' "

15 Truly you are a God who hides himself,
O God and Savior of Israel.

16 All the makers of idols will be put to shame and disgraced;
they will go off into disgrace together.

17 But Israel will be saved by the LORD
with an everlasting salvation;
you will never be put to shame or disgraced,
to ages everlasting.

18 For this is what the LORD says—
he who created the heavens,
he is God;
he who fashioned and made the earth,
he founded it;
he did not create it to be empty,
but formed it to be inhabited—
he says:
"I am the LORD,
and there is no other.

19 I have not spoken in secret,
from somewhere in a land of darkness;
I have not said to Jacob's descendants,
'Seek me in vain.'
I, the LORD, speak the truth;
I declare what is right.

20 "Gather together and come;
assemble, you fugitives from the nations.
Ignorant are those who carry about idols of wood,
who pray to gods that cannot save.

21 Declare what is to be, present it—
let them take counsel together.
Who foretold this long ago,
who declared it from the distant past?
Was it not I, the LORD ?
And there is no God apart from me,
a righteous God and a Savior;
there is none but me.

22 "Turn to me and be saved,
all you ends of the earth;
for I am God, and there is no other.

23 By myself I have sworn,
my mouth has uttered in all integrity
a word that will not be revoked:
Before me every knee will bow;
by me every tongue will swear.

24 They will say of me, 'In the LORD alone
are righteousness and strength.' "
All who have raged against him
will come to him and be put to shame.

25 But in the LORD all the descendants of Israel
will be found righteous and will exult.

Footnotes:

Isaiah 45:2 Dead Sea Scrolls and Septuagint; the meaning of the word in the Masoretic Text is uncertain.
Isaiah 45:13 Hebrew him
Isaiah 45:14 That is, the upper Nile region

I found this passage very touching and moving. For the Lord in all his power and Glory proclaiming his strength and omnipotence.

Thanks for prayer today E357. It was g8. Esp samuel and chris. And angel i hope u get well soon.

Met 0306. It was a nice time. Glad i made the decision to meet them. But i needa go slp now or i'll be ZOMBIFIED tmr.

Stay happy xiao mei mei...~...

2008-07-26T00:23:00.001+08:00

Damn... if only u knew how much i care for your.

2008-07-25T23:59:00.002+08:00

Ooo really tiring but fun day of my life!
Saw sooo many ppl had soo much fun i wont bother to elaborate. Safe to say, it was a great day:-) And tmr will be even better. I feel like buying flowers for my 2 dearest girls to surprise them!!!

Ok fine lemme run through today.
Lunch with jess.
Collect SGC. Met Tracey, sam, yiling, angel, eugene, joshua, sis and yi xiu. Played badminton in sch with Chuan li and sam. Fun man...
Went to see hy at kfc.

Then meet guys at downtown and watched Xfiles. Hoho... mulder looks just like he should though scully looks older than in the series.
It was creepy and scary... but riveting all the same. Darn.. i spilled coke all over myself during the movie. LOLZ. clumsy.
Played arcade like siao. Glad i got my Nebo tapz ler.. saved money man.

Counting the hours till i see my EC, and my 2 dearest seniors!!

2008-07-24T23:46:00.002+08:00

Corrinne May - Something About You Lyrics

Don't know what you do to me but
Everytime I'm with you it's a natural high
It's like re-discovering Eden
with chocolate -coated rainbows and cotton candy skies
And everytime you look my way
I wish I had the guts to say

There's something in your eyes
Something in your smile
Something in the way you move me
You make me want to sing
Make me want to dance
Make me want to cry
I'm falling in love with you.

I think I'll hire Cupid
He'll make you see I'm more than your friend
You'll be tossing and turning
Counting the hours till you see me again
And when we meet you'll
Kiss my hand and say the words I've longed to hear

There's something in your eyes
Something in your smile
Something in the way you move me
You make me want to sing
Make me want to dance
Make me want to cry
I'm falling in love with you
You make me want to sing,
make me want to dance,
make me want to cry
I'm falling in love with you.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
What an absolutely interesting song that kinda reflects my inner feelings now.
Had a great wonderful chat with May a moment ago. Yes and i chatted with July too... hahas cute combi.

Dinner with Abel and Vernon today. Heh we had a great time at the arcade racing. Vernon's racing is better than eugene's but his shooting is worse. Lol.

At the NEBO counter ,the counter girl gave me this i recognise you look. And i saw it in her eyes but i wasnt sure. So i turned back to talk to vernon and went i looked back she had the same look in her eyes. So i went over to talk to her and the first thing she said was "Haising one rite?" LOL. Im glad ppl all over haising remember me(esp when its girls!!?) hahas... lame. But yes, at least i know her name, cai xia... and she told me about the NEBO promotion which i promptly signed up for. So... now i have so many goodies... does anyone want to go to the singapore flyer with me!!?

This weekend is really fully packed!
Friday afternoon - Jess lunch
Friday night - Movie night with Vernon and Eugene!
Sat morning- CG
Sat afternoon - May and July
Sat evenin- THY and Jac and eugene
Sun morning - Church
Sun afternoon -Class outing
Sun evening - ?

----------------------------------------------------------
oh yes. On way home with abel and vernon, we bumped into Derrick, Gabriel and Kesleen. Lollerskatesz..
Hope derrick gets enough slp lor. Ok. Its midnight! Now... what was supposed to happen? YES! I get one day older! LOL>>> LAMES...

WAdever... time to sleep.

Xiaomeimei - Go singapore flyer with me?

2008-07-20T23:34:00.002+08:00

I cant forgive.

Jesus take the wheel, take it from my hands, i cant do this on my own. I'm letting go, take it from my hands...
*sings*

I cant forgive.

Can I?

The human heart knows no bounds... but i have my limits. I'm at the end of my string. The dark point once again. Standing on a lonely pier and i look around me.

1. I have a friend, i so badly want to talk to, who wont talk to me.

2. I cant forgive, and it hurts my conscience to wonder where that nice guy went.

But i must really thank my friends for making today fun. And enjoyable despite the morass of bad stuff happening around.

Morning service at City harvest rocked. I so like their service man!
Then talking with angel was great. Hahas i veri random. I whispered to tingting, chorus come we jump ok!! Den she happily agreed. hahas... nice girl.

Den book sale!!! Woo i bought 12 books for $24 shiok!! Derrick alsp went with me.
Then went downtown to meet eugene and ana. Had great time playing ddr, shooting and arcade games. Musta spend 40 bucks total for all of us today. And gene sportingly sponsored most of it.
Fell in love with the arcade game primeval hunter. woo we hunted dinosaurs like nobody's business.
Small stuff. But we had fun.
Well im glad my friends stand by with me through the bad times.
Thx gene and ana.
Ok next week looks to be happening. Class outing. Meet jac, eugene, hui yun...
Church woo...

But for the meantime, i seriously suck. At being a nice guy. Im changing myself more into a nice guy who's actually mean inside... arrgh wadever. Talking rot ler.

Prayer Request: Dear Lord, I really really really want my friend back. But Lord i know that there is a season for everything, a time for everything. Lord so i leave it unto your hands and trust that you will do the best for me. But Lord, if you love me like you say you do, then give my friend back to me. I dont care how long it takes, how much the price, just give my friend back.
Amen

2008-07-20T00:28:00.003+08:00

Batman : The Dark Knight

ROCKED. KICK ASS AWESOME. I'd give it 6 out of 5 stars. Though im one who's easily touched my movie experiences, i must say that Batman exceeded all my expectations (since i never liked batman as a hero per se) and this is the best movie i've ever watched in my whole life.

The Joker was absolutely the best. I used to hate him cos he looked so friggin ugly in the previous movies. He frightened me cos he was SO ugly.

But now, he's my favourite villain (right after Kira from Death note).

I heard from eugene, that the actor of the Joker, to get into the role, looked himself in a hotel room for 30 days with the diary of the Joker. And afterward, he died from depression. (not exactly, more like overdose from sleeping pills).

The whole story was talking about what people really are inside. The evil in them versus the good in them. And the joker, through his psychopathy has found the difference between madness and sanity. He claims that his 'lack of plans' makes him so much more free than those 'civilized people' with plans. He is true to his nature while people who plan are not. Just lying dogs.

One thing he said stayed in my mind 'People with plans are not worried when things go according to plan but become frantic when things dont go accordingly. You tell them a whole bunch of people are going to die and they wouldnt care. You tell them that out of a sudden an old man died, and they get frantic.' Its really true. People can commit atrocious crimes because their adminstration does it. But one not accorded, not accounted for small atrocity draws all the media attention.

I realize that shows like V for Vendetta and Batman all deal with the reasons behind terrorism. And shows us it is not so very far away from all of us because as the Joker says, "Madness is like gravity, one push is all it takes." Very true. In the show he messes with the good guy's brain and turns him bad. Sighz... its stark reality.

For me, i got a message out of this show. Madness is catching. Psychopathy is within everyone of us. And evil can spread itself, through forced circumstances or through how a person reacts to his surrounding cicrumstances.
But people who watch this show can get 2 messages. Control cannot be achieved. Madness is understandable. Become mad.
Or.
Madness is catching but you can kill it.
Cos one part of the show, if the batman had killed the joker to begin with, he wouldnt have lost his girl or had the good guy turn bad. Evil cannot be just stopped. It must be destroyed and it can be done.

Another powerful line, 'You can either die a hero, or live long enough to become a villain.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then again, i sometimes wonder with evil inside all of us. Wouldnt the whole world be better off if we were all dead? Or the good that we can do is greater than the evil that we do?

And I do know people wonder about God. How could he create people with the propensity to do great evil within them? How can one blame a mad person when that person is mad because of the circumstances forced on him or that he was born that way. If one can find fault for being the way one is born, then anyone can find fault with God for creating him that way.

Some food for thought. Is there such thing as a person being born evil/mad? ( i assume that the madness i am talking about is the destructive psychopathy that Gordon in batman says"Some people dont want anything. They just want to stand by and watch the whole world burn.") And evil enters us through our sins that we do, and gives life to madness. It is us succumbing to the worries of the world..

Though i wonder about those people born without a conscience, are they truly evil? Those who kill without feeling?

No answer from God? I'll let you know when he tells me.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[It's been years. I've been married for nearly 9 years and probably have not been attracted to him for even longer. Married him because I knew he loved me and I didn't want to break his heart - also because of immigration/visa issues, but don't want to go into that.

I know that my lack of attraction is largely due to the fact I have spent many years resenting that I never had my "own" life. I met him when I was very young and never did the indepedent things I had hoped I would do with my life - like living abroad or being financially independent. I also just think we were never really the right people for each other, and we've never been willing to admit it - different interests, different styles of communication. etc. I've been attracted to other people, so I know it's not a lack of sex drive on my part. Just a lack of attraction to him - his smell, his taste, his voice. Everything.

Most of the time I feel very sad and I don't like myself for being this person and not having the courage to just end it. I also wonder why he doesn't . I feel sad for him that he isn't getting the human and sexual connection that he needs. I hope for his sake he's seeing someone on the side. I think he deserves someone who can offer him something more than I can.]

~Taken from Experience Newsletter by Bootstoo.

[It's not an easy process so if anyone tells you it is, it doesn't matter how long or how short you lasted, the thing is you were together and there were memories and that makes it hard... It's usually the small ones that pain the most...

Small but the impact is huge, or the ones you never really thought of and then BANG hehehe it all comes flooding back.. How bout all the hopes for the future you held, it's hard letting go of all that.. It's not impossible, its just hard.

You sometimes sit there and all you do is hurt yourself, because the harder you try not to think of it the easier it is to. It sucks also being with someone else, because there is always those familiar traits that the one before had that keeps popping up, like take me for example I had my first kiss with the most recent one and now I can't kiss anybody honestly... Guys try but my heart hurts and I back up... all you do is get scared, because you knew, you know exactly what happend the last time you went there and you're still dealing with the aftermath of losing sucha precious moment and experience...

My advice is learn... Be strong, not weak. You're worth more than that... Don't settle for anything smaller this time around... RESPECT yourself and know that it just wasn't meant to be and there is someone out there who is MEANT TO love you enough to fight... Someone who will love just as much... Accept what you don't have and cherish what you do... Even if they are just memories, but do not be held back or down by them. You are more than those memories... You still have a future, with you happy in it.

Love is still there... In you ~smiles~ you'll get over him... Don't worry if feels like it's impossible, but it is... Eventually one day you will stop thinking about the memories.. Eventually you'll be surprised at the fact that you don't jump at the mention or sight of him... Eventually you will feel love and you will strugle to remember him... How it was and how it isn't... It's not easy... It's doable!

LadySoulist ~ Fellow "geting over him" member ~]

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After reading salsaholic and tangocrazy blogposts i really feel like learing one of them. Tango sounds really great. A dance to emo to. (emo momo mode now)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I need money man. Needa job. Needa study for btt. Alvin failed. LOL. Me no wanna fail...
Feel like a piece of shit now... pardon the vulgarity but yes thats what i feel like right now.
And i just noticed i listen to Simple plan songs when im down and out. And just found out in my favourite song Addicted... he says, ".. im a dick.." and "...still a dick..."
LAME.
Yes michel.
Whatever...

"Addicted"

I heard you're doing OK
But I want you to know
I'm addict
I'm addicted to you
I can't pretend I don't care
When you don't think about me
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy but you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker

Since the day I met you
And after all we've been through
I'm still a dick
I'm addicted to you
I think you know that it's true
I'd run a thousand miles to get you
Do you think I deserve this?

I tried to make you happy
I did all that I could
Just to keep you
But you left anyway

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you
Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker
Heartbreaker

How long will I be waiting?
Until the end of time
I don't know why I'm still waiting
I can't make you mine

I'm trying to forget that
I'm addicted to you
But I want it and I need it
I'm addicted to you
[x2]

Now it's over
Can't forget what you said
And I never wanna do this again
Heartbreaker

Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker
I'm addicted to you
Heartbreaker

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, am depressed right now. Maybe i'll do a Joker... (jokin)
Sick of my friendships, sick of the things i handle, sick of being sick, sick of being emo, sick of sicksicksicksick... arr shuddup michel.

2008-07-18T22:04:00.002+08:00

Pissed now, when i was happy a moment ago. My mum has a certain knack of ruining even my best days'.

Got back from Tarantism, TPJC Dance Fest. Apparently Tarantism means the wild urge to dance which was believed to be caused by the bite of a tarantula. Hence, harry potter's Tarantellegra.

Reached home and saw my grandma having her hair dyed by my aunt, and my mum sitting there watching. So i went to say hi, its polite after all. And they asked me where did I go, so i said i went to watch a dance concert with my ex. And my mum was all over me about the going out with ex thing.

True, i did go to see her this morning.

But is it wrong to remain friends with your ex? Though it may not be clear cut to others, but it is certainly clear cut to me that i'll never let her in through that door of my heart again. Still, my mum was all insulting about it. Saying what stuff like "She come and ask you out its ok, she dont want you already you still friends with her!!? this kind of people i wouldnt even keep as a friend." (although that sentence does indeed make sense in some weird twisted way.) But i insisted to my mum that BGR is different from friendship. After all BGR developed out of a close friendship can go back to friendship rite? Rite rite??

My mum got to the part " ... I have more pride than that-" Thats when i got up and walked away. Pissed, must she be insulting about this?

Maybe she's right in some way, when i think back about her, i still cannot comprehend what would possess her to sms the things she smsed to me that fatal day which caused the breakup.

Maybe...
.
.
.
Mum is right.

And forget her? Ignore her?

Could I? Yes, i could...

Would I?

Now that i think about it... if whatever it is that has possesed her to say those things to me again, she could do it again in our friendship... Is this something revealed to me? Or something that i've just been denying and telling myself that she's nice. Although its fun to go out with her, but anybody can put up a front. I can PRETEND to be nice to ppl and not like them (though i dont do that, but i could).

Seriously, when i think back... thats the thing thats really niggling me... How could she do that?

*food for thought*

Yet i had a nightmare this morning/last night when i dreamt that she had died... and i was truly sad.

Have i gotten over her? Or do i just think i have gotten over her?

The thing about Michel... is that he is sometimes cold hearted about things you'd never belief he'd be cold hearted about. When my rabits died, so far 4 of them one at a time. I felt sad, but i didnt feel grieved. (even though i did love them)
And i asked myself why, why do i not feel grieved? And i thought i was inhuman. So i tried to make myself cry. But it would never work...

And now, last night's dream showed me i do grieve when/if people go away...

But this is stupid, i shall ponder over whether to keep this friendship or ignore it away.
And next, whether i can stop being angry at my mum for ruining EVERY happy moment in my life. (although some of them i do ruin them myself)

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I think i have issues. Some anyway. Anger management. I am not a physically demonstrative guy. But somewhere along the way, i become bitter inside, viscious and a horrible tendency to lash out in envenomed rage.

When i was young, i was really very VERY moral. I stood by what i believed with my life then. I would NEVER litter. Even if other people littered, i would even pick the litter up for them. I was very moral..

And then Pri 1. I was bullied by this fat kid with body size inferiority issues and had to take some of his frustration out of himself. As the young innocent boy, i didnt know what to do and i just let him bully me. All i knew then, was that it was humiliating and scarring.

And then i was bullied again in sec 3 & 4 by zhangyao. If u really want to know the extent of why i hate him with a murderous rage lemme give you an anecdote.
Once, when i came back from soccer(as usual, a sport which i suck at), with an injured toe. I had attempted to kick the ball but hit it with my toe. (idiot) It was swollen, and bleeding, the toenail ablated away. so i took off my shoe and my socks and limped back to class because i did not want to get my shoes and socks bloody. Plus it was swollen and the lightest touch hurt.
On the way back to class, zhangyao saw my foot. He manoevered himself till he was standing in front of me as we filtered into the classroom. He made a loud noise to the person infront of him "AIYAH WHY U BLOCK THE WAY" and he stepped back on purpose onto my injured toe whereupon he ground his heel into it. I tell you, if u've never felt that, you've never experience agony. The physical pain combined with emotional torture. He's mean. Really. And he did a host more of equally mean things to me.

And those two circumstances have scarred me emotionally(this took 4 days of personal reflection to discover). They made me vicious. Thats why whenever i even feel the slightest bit bullied, whereupon the slighted advantage taken of me, i get angry and pissed and physically feel like bashing the person up. Which is why that mjc guy was frightened of my anger. I threatened to take him out of school and show him how i felt.

Yes, and i've been in my fair share of fistfights. In primary 5, i was put in a class half full of pai kia because of my bad chinese grades. The pai kia half invariably took it to bully the other half of the class. I stood up. Because it was my principles to do so. (told you i was moral). So it was 1 against 11. Naturally i got beaten up. Several spectacles broken. About 6 pairs that year i believe. My parents were worried, I was scarred.

And now, i realize the extent of the scarring. Its like this little emotional nub in my psyche, all i have to do is recall Zhangyao or that pri 1 kid and i feel adrenaline pumping through me, a murderous rage to break their bones and taste blood. One of the more common scenes concerning zhangyao is after he step on my foot, to take a recorder and repeatedly smash his face to the bone. And yea, i imagine all the blood, and i feel good.

So it worries me, that such vengeance can exist in a heart of mine, that God made to be filled with love for other people. And though i know i should love everyone including Zhangyao, i ... cannot. Though i tell myself to forgive and let the past be... i mentally know that. But emotionally it does not go through. I still feel the hatred with the remembrance of the memory.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so its settled, michel has Interpersonal-inferiority complex anger management problems. (self diagnosed self identified problem)

And... i am confused about the ex. I know i'll never let her that close again. then why am i trying to be close friends?
I know that for some unfathomable reason, she can say horrible hurting things to me... so why am i even attempting to keep her as a friend?
I know that the words she says, all come out through rote, do not express her inner feelings... then why i do remember every single word she says?
My dreams tell me what my subconscious feels. She's already no longer my girlfriend, so why does my subconscious say that i'm afraid to lose her?

There's a contradiction somewhere.
Some... where.

2008-07-16T22:54:00.002+08:00

Nick was right. When u lose your girlfriend, your bound to feel lonely all the time. Even when your with your friends, your still lonely.

Sighz... I still miss her... sometimes.

Decided not to bother anymore with old friends who dont bother to make time.

I used to follow the phrase
Make new friends but keep the old
For one is silver the other gold

But u noe, ppl do move on. In haising, i used to miss my rosyth school friends. And i spoke to some of them and they said, "Dont bother trying to get the class back together. ppl move on. They wont bother."

Sure, once or twice we'll meet up a year. But there are some ppl who will never bother to join the class outing. It kinda becomes exclusive. So from this i conclude that no matter how much we want to keep some of our friends with us, we'll never keep them. Even if they're gold, they're gold belong to someone else ler.

So i figure, if Eugene's gonna go out with his NS friends. he's gonna go drinking, clubbing, pubbing. Sure. Nothing wrong with that. Except im tired of asking him out. Trying to arrange stuff. Outings with our old gang? Ana, sam, eugene? Well if he cant make the time, then i guess it'll just have to be Ana, sam and me. I dont want to be a cling-on-er, trying to hold back friends and them from me losing them. I'll be there, i'll make the time. But if u cant, i ain't gonna cry. Cos people move on... and you know what, i dont think he bothers to read this. I go to his house to visit him when he's sick, i try to cheer him up when he's down. I dont expect him to reciprocate, though it would be nice. Thanks eugene, for not really bothering.

The people who read your blog are either those who love you in some way or hate you in some way. Or serious slackers, blogsurfers and curious toms.

P.S. To xiao mei mei : Sorry ok. I apologise for it. Its hard for me to talk to you so i guess writing this here is one way for you to see this. If u dont like it, i wont do it. I promise ok. (i hope this P.S. note doesnt count)

---------------------------------------------------------------

Had a lil' outing with my NS guys. Abel, Vernon, John and me. We went to eat the nice nice sushi!! We ate a total of $67 of sushi. Shiok. Yummy, guys' the outing with your was very fun we should so do it again!
Played arcade.
oh yes, something interesting.
At the sushi place(some jap/chinese name i can never recall), while the guys were getting their food, tis girl in beige pink blouse came up in front of me and flicked her fingers to catch my attention. She said hi. I said hi but i couldnt recognise her. In the end found out that it was Ronnie. Lol she no wear glasses ler, contacts make her look nice. And...*whispers* i think she ate more sushi than me... but she still so slim... grrr.

Anyway, it seemed we were fated to bump into each other many times today. Or Downtown is simply tooo small a place ler. We met her again at the arcade, and then again on the elevator. And again as i was on the way out to make my way home. LOL.
Well, it did cheer up my mood, meeting old friends makes me happy. *which is why losing old friends make me sad*

Heh oh yes, Vernon is a better shooter than me... sometimes. Teehee. And john is damn pro at drums. Abel... eats realli fast. No surprise there, but being plump actually makes him look cute. LOL. No... no 302 (army term for gay) for me.

Im tired. I wan sleep. nitez peeps. Love those that read this.

2008-07-15T23:28:00.002+08:00

Went to book driving today. Now i know how to get there from my house extremely fast. Cool eh. Thanks mum. Hope i can finish my theory tests in proper timing. Because i am going back into BMT around sept again. Sianz. Means i will be botak head again and somemore i will miss celebrating my birthday!! Arrgh.

Lol yes i must learn to censor some stuff on my blog. And when people dont like certain things i must accept that they dont like it and not force my likes on my image of them.

Yes, and i must learn to have a christian soul AND a christian mind... thats tough yea. But thats the way it is.

Somedays on Earth seem like Hell while other days are Heaven on Earth. I hope i'll find the girl who can make my day heaven on earth with just a smile.
A random pic to remind me of the bygone days when things were really fun. Now all i have left is this NS life which of course is a learning experience. But no, i dont like it. I'd rather study for the rest of my life.

Just the other day i was talking to Eugene about things i must do before i die. (though i wonder why i still talk to him now, doesnt seem like he cares anymore)

Anyway, here's my Things i must do before i die List.

1. Go to Ireland and visit country Kerry, see Giant's Causeway and drink in an irish bar.

2. Learn how to create something beautiful. (like a piece of music, a good meal... something where i can unleash my creativity)

3. Read 1 million books before i die.

4. Start a christian campaign for God. Take down Richard Dawkin's God Delusion!!

5. Be a good father. Have 2 little girls and 1 little boy not necessarily in that order.

6. Save someone's life.

7. Bring a moment of absolute happiness to someone in my life.

8. Invent a physics invention.

9. See a miracle

10. This is so crude, irresponsible, uncensored and so indecent that i shall not put it here(it aint that bad)... but Eugene knows what i mean.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2008-07-13T22:16:00.002+08:00

I dunno wad to say here. Really. Been thinking about that particular friend. Who seems so far away now...

I think of the National Museum, where you'd expressed some interest in seeing. And i'd like to take you there and show you everything that i've ever studied about for the past 2 years.

I think of dance concerts, guitar concerts, town festivals that i know you'd like... and i'd like too.

I think of that look on your face when you say "Im strong ok. I can do it." and I smile.

How did it come to this?

2008-07-11T20:55:00.004+08:00

The World Tree
by Michel Lim

Stormwarden Jenoa Ysen was grazing on the pink futzili crystals floating on the warm thermal breeze. Jenoa Ysen was his birth name but Stormwarden was his game name. Stormwarden was a successful player on the Memm-web... killing games in a maze, Alien population manipulator, building games, simulations. Name it, he won it. But today, games were the furthest things on his mind. He was pondering on the nature of a particular organism... albeit one which kept intruding on his mind. In an attempt to distract his mind, Storm cast his thoughts about his surroundings. The pink futzili crystals he was absorbing, glittered beautifully in the warm sunshine his solar system's yellow sun radiated. Futzili crystals floated in clumps on thermal breezes, borne up by the shimmering heat waves reflected off the crystalline ground. The futzili crystals came from the futzilian fungi that grew all over the Ysen world tree. And what a wonderful world tree it was. The Ysen world tree was made of pure crystal that towered to amazing heights with an origin that stretched so far back, way beyond Elohean memory. And every square ell of the tree was covered with futzilian fungi, blue, green, pink... colours that ran the gamut through the infra-red to the ultraviolet. Occasionally the fungi would puff and exude shimmering clouds of crystals to float on the breeze, hoping to find some other crystal world tree to grow upon.
Storm's musings were interrupted by a strong draft of wind that snagged his velvet thin wings. His thoughts spun back to that very interrupting lifeform as he struggled to regain control of his flight. She wouldnt be this ungainly. No, she's be graceful, flowing along in the wind, like all females do. Then he saw a speck spiralling elegantly out of the sun. No it cant be her... no. He frantically checked to make sure he had not just accidentally memmed that last thought out. He hadnt. Just coincidence then, or fate? Shoving thoughts out of his mind, with a mighty wrench he threw himself ungainly out of the draft of wind. She came nearer and nearer. He gave her the once-over. Two plus two equals four as his mater had said. Two eyes, two wings, four pods. Oh yess, and what lovely pods she had. Slender iridescent pods with curves that drew the eyes to them. Each pod had a different biological function. One for eating, that is the one he was using to absorb the pink futzili crystals now. The other for regulation of blood throughtout the Elohean body. The third pod was for breathing and muscular control of his wings. The fourth pod, longer and slender than the others, tapering to a thin point, was for reproduction. At the thought of this, Storm's wings flushed orange.
Lush colours rippled across her wings as she drew nearer to him. Storm gulped and said " Hi Acyllia."
"Hi yourself Stormwarden." came the reply.

To be continued...

2008-07-10T23:02:00.003+08:00

So much for being close friends. More like it was a mistake to tell you. If i had kept my mouth shut, maybe i wouldnt have lost another friend.

Denise was probably right when she said, when a girl doesnt reply you, means she doesnt want to talk to you.

Yeah. Fine. Whatever. Have a nice life.
.
.
.
*mental anguish*

2008-07-10T19:59:00.010+08:00

Time for a long awaited post! Derrick's Birthday Party!!!

Hehz... no pic of ana unfortunately, thats in my handphone. These photos are courtesy of Sim!!! (eh..simi!!?) hahahax.

Enjoy

The Army Boiis!

The Army Boiis! ... again

hmmm... whats this!!? Wrapping after wrapping...

Ohh... i see it now!! (so happy & cute he looks!)

Ultimate happiness at being... a CIVILIAN!!

Khairul so funny! Benny so handsome:-) Sim... so... sim...

Moi bodyguards!

ooo boi your heavy!!

How... gauche

Heh... army life can be fun... *whispers* "But most of the time.. its not!!"

Ms Xie!! On your handphone can or not!!

2008-07-09T23:23:00.003+08:00

Feeling sad. Cos someone wont return my sms. As jes would say, the PAIN of rejection. (oh yes she used caps too=p)

Back to camp tmr. Sighz. Why does it suck so bad? I should be happy... yet im not. I should be carefree, yet im not. (fine.. maybe because im still sad from the abovementioned line)

Good Lord, take away these pains, these fears. Father take away all these niggling thoughts and bad feelings, doubts, and general sianzness from me life and grant me your shalom peace. Father, I want to experience your agape love.

Anyway, its time to sleep. Regardless of how im feeling.
Goodnight peeps. And goodnight to the person hugging me.

Ooo Juliana is back from UK!!
Haha! Time to arrange an outing with Jul and May!! (funny har.... july and may...i just realised =p)

2008-07-09T00:28:00.003+08:00

Ok Good Lord do not... hurt me anymore. Let the last wound be the last wound, and not the start of another *ding ding* round.. Sighz. Was reading fallafresh.blogspot.com and found that it had some interesting takes on love. (true and sad)

I just hope that tis time, tis girl, wont repeat wad i expect. pls pls let it not be.

So in order to put my mind off these kind of things, let me put up some pics of pretty girls so that this particular pretty girl will stop popping around in my mind.

Ok the 2 girls are Jessy Schram and Arielle Kebbel. Hollywood actresses and also have appeared on American pie. Lol... yes i watch american pie you freaks...

2008-07-07T07:57:00.002+08:00

Oh yes this past weekend has been an amazing God filled one. There was the Arrow service on Sat and CHC service on Sunday. The city harvest one was very powerful. This pastor from another country came and gave a deliverance sermon...how to let go of hurts and repressed grieve that allow demons to come into your life... resulting in bitterness and one lashing out at other people. Just as God forgives us of our sins, we must forgive others for the wrong that they do to us so that whatever that restricts us from becoming what God made us to become is removed from our lives. And there was POWER in prayer. Oh yes.. power in spades. Bone trembling power, in the roar of words. As i said the Sinner's Prayer all over again (i like to say it... dunno why)... reached one of the powerful lines, : "I declare before heaven and earth, that Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour" Whoa i could feel the sheer power of the spirit in my bones... every time we said his name, i could feel the oomph of his presence. And right there, as we were praying in the presence of the Lord God Almighty, a guy at the far corner of the Auditorium started screaming. Everyone kept swivelling around to look for the source... and my hair stood up because the scream was one of agony. As though the guy was in pain. And the pastor said to ignore it because demon manifestations do occur. *rolls eyes...as though it is all that common."

Then later part of the service, a girl behind us screamed... her voice ululating throughout the room and i think a few people got spooked. I did. But yeah im so going back... for a church to have that kind of God power... It must be good.

2008-07-06T00:09:00.002+08:00

Today is a wonderfully great day. I thank God for giving me so much joy and laughter.

Digression: I just saw a cockroach in my kitchen. Rolled up newspaper and hit it real hard. It went flying against the wall. And i thought it'd died. But it started moving again. So i wound up, wound up...up up up... and let flew a mighty blow to its side. It went flying into my kitchen door and i could actually hear a loud splat. Cockroach blood all over my floor. Eeurgh... But it wouldnt die still so i hit it a few more times and even with its 2 hind legs gone it still ran and ran... so i used a spray and sprayed it... poison de lar... mmm kitchen table cleaner spray... but it wouldnt die. So i had to use some paper and my hands to crush it... Gross...

--------------------------ok about today-----------------------------------

Met callista for lunch today at Carl's junior. Then karyn dropped by to pass me the dress. Woot... she dyed her hair blonde and so much makeup she looked like she'd just stepped off a runway. Then after lunch Callis and I went to the Rock to wait for Jessica, and Lizzy. Then it was church time. In the pre service activity i met Clarice, Huizhi and Gracia. Plus Felina as well!! Wow so many peeps. But i didnt know that i was going to meet much much more peeps today...

So i met gene and alvin to go downtown to watch a movie at about 10 plus ler. At the platform i was supposed to meet gene at, just as i saw him i saw irene too!! So i said just chatted with her for a short period of time. Then gene and I went to TM and met Angel there. haha surprised her. She was on the phone. Then like movie like that the two of us stand behind her. haha sooo cute... Then at downtown, we realized that there were no movies for us to watch. So we went arcade to get Gene's neebo card. Met Joel, Dan and Chet there!!! hahas... they were watching midnight Get Smart. Since i hadnt eaten dinner i went to macs there to eat with them. And i met Vernon, Daniel and Yi Xiu!! wow coincidence really!!

So that makes:

clarice, karyn, callista, hu zhi, gracia, felina, irene, eugene, alvin, angel, joel, daniel, chet, daniel, vernon, yi xiu, and jessica!

17 peeps in all not counting the new friends i made.

woohoo... looking forward to tmr and hoping for another wonderful God blessed day.
City harvest here i come!

2008-07-04T17:12:00.002+08:00

My personality test

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

so true!!! LOL.

Next test : Are you still thinking about your ex?

Here is the analysis:

Your ex clearly broke your heart and you haven't yet moved on. Remember that time heals all sorrows, so look positively towards the future. Don't be blinded to the love that might be surrounding you right now.

Your favourite place in your home

Here is the analysis:

You take life seriously and like things to be neat and in order. Proud and dignified, you don't like to be mocked. You are a good listener even when you disagree with other people's ideas.

2008-07-04T09:53:00.003+08:00

Trying to learn about business strategy, i fell prey to their business strategy. Somehow found myself buying something from http://kloset-cube.livejournal.com
LOL. Keeyan was telling me all about the nice dresses when i saw this one! And i fell in love with it... the dress, not the girl model! But since i cant wear it (NO i DO NOT crossdress...) im buying it for someone special to me:-)

Heh, hows this for advertisement. But anyway... i've the only piece coming my way... and its not that expensive either... well ok it prolly is... but who cares. My tuition is for covering guilty expenses, things that i shouldnt buy but i want to buy.

Like rakion cards and dresses... LOL. I sound so weird saying that i buy dresses. Ok fine. Dress. DRESS. yes... tts better... just....dress.

Heh. Something just struck me. Really funny. It says on the advert above.. All yours for just $28... i wonder... does that include the model as well? HAHA... down boys down!!

Ok enough poking jokes at kloset cube. I must support them:-)

-------------------------Kloset Cube Rox------------------- :-) --------------

Well work is really... weird today. I got the itchy fingers today and started cleaning everything up. Emptying cupboards and drawers going through 7 years of rubbish. Normally ppl wouldnt just bother and leave it there for goodness knows another 7 years...

I managed to compress everything and throw the rest away and now i have an empty drawer i have many things in mind for. Trying to organise my working life here so i'll be remembered as a good worker when i ORD. In addition trying to organise my social life which is now in shambles thanks to them being neglected while i was in a relationship. Time to pick up the strands of my life and weave together my heartstrings.

Corrine May's new album rocks. Stephy bond loves it... and goodness i love it too.

LOL... 266 hugs already. 1 more between last night and today. Lol... wouldnt it be my luck to have the hugger turn out to be a pranker... but if it isnt... then that'd be cool

hmmm yes cannot wait for 5pm!! Time to meet Ana!! And partaeeeee...
Yes and tmr... collect dress, Watch movie with callista(trying to get pokky and tammy to go along too!), go Arrow service at New Creations Church with Jess and Lizzy. Sunday go City Harvest Church with Angel and see the anointing there. Sunday afternoon still free!! Anyone want to book me ar? Hmm yes! Joel and Chet and DAN! Your PangSEH me last weekend... tis time we go play pool ya@!

2008-07-03T08:18:00.002+08:00

Just found out that it hasnt been jess who's being adding hugs to my blog. Lol i wonder who it is? ... but its a nice feeling.

Anywayz, i cant wait to see ana tmr!!! And watch for the explosion when i see someone else. lol.

Work is really boring today and time just seems to pass soooo slowly... sighz...
Oh yes hancock is out!! Guys want to watch on sat or sun? oh wait... your dont read my blog... lolz.

2008-07-01T11:41:00.000+08:00

Dunno whether the results of my actions will be a dream or a nightmare. And whichever way, i cant turn back time. Que sera sera. Well. At least i did Carpe Diem... so i guess that makes my brave!

2008-07-01T07:39:00.002+08:00

Did i just do what i tot i did last night?? Wow. Crazy already. Siao Michel...

2008-06-30T20:31:00.002+08:00

ah yes... i got the hint jess=p LOL

hmmm... Ns is getting worser day by day. My favourite peeps are all gonna leave me behind!! NOO. Sim, Derrick, Jason, Shuxin, Karan, Terence DO NOT GOOO!!!

*cries* Dun leave me behind pls... sign on all of you!!! [this is the part where i can imagine all the middle fingers pointed at me. teeheee you guys are funny]

Sighz... heard some ppl bad mouthing me in camp. When i seriously do nothing... but occupy myself while doing work. I dont run from work yet it seems like... doing work in ns doesnt achieve anything. Life is still sukky. Even if i do everyone's work... attend everything faithfully... do not smoke out unlike some... life would still suck. I just want a sabbathical... a break from everything... like sun tanning in the Maldives or badminton with my dudes.

And i look at jensen's blog... all the pictures of his group of friends enjoying trengganu. I feel so sad... because i know im not the kind of person who ever has friends who do that. Like enjoy myself on the beach. Playing captains ball...volleyball... waking up at 5am and watching the sun rise. I feel so GRRR... sad.
Well at least im glad he called me today to say goodbye... that he's going back to malaysia with anurad to see parents.

Lol... and nobody calls me anymore... except for work... and work... and favours...

garh.

I need to do something. Like maybe turn up at someone's party this friday and bitch slap somebody. That would be mean. And ruin the party... so i wont do it. But i can imaginneeee...

*slaps self* why am i so mean nowadays... ok fine.. its only mean in writing...

Things to do today.

1. Get my beret fixed up. tmr have parade and my beret havent pin the crest.

2. mmm... dunno. i know! Get a life.. hah.

3. Check on gene.

2008-06-29T22:32:00.003+08:00

Decided to do this for kicks, though it represents my inner turmoil.
I always fancy myself as have 2 alterna persona... like Id the philosopher always says. The ego and the... uber ego? SHEESH cant remember what the other one is called..some ki student.

Michel = Me, Simply. The nice guy.
Michael = The evil me. Really evil.
Michelle = The feminine me. The one that made all these words pink. heh

Michael : See Michel. I knew this would happen. You and your bleeding heart. You just have to go and get so emotionally attached to the things around you! Look... cry cry cry... blah blah blah... so weak!

Michel : Michael, whatever. Im having a bad day. Dont come and make it worse. *waves fingers threateningly*

Michelle : Cmon Michael. Cut it out. Look he's so down already. Give him some support, cant you? Wait i forgot...you cant *shakes head*

Michel: Will the two of you stop talking like im not here!!?

Michael: Shut up bitch! I wasnt talking to you. I was talking to this piece of shit here.
Why on earth are you so dumb? Didnt you expect it was gonna happen after the first breakup?

Michel : Dude... apparently... you have no idea what second chances are? Anyway.. i dun realli know... i mean well... i did... but well you know things happen... emotions get attached.

Michael: See. You have no self control. You absolute noob. So just curl up in one corner and die. Lemme take over. I'll show u how to make the pain go away. Just hate. Its simple... look. *demonstrates*

Michelle: She's pretty and nice!! I like her shampoo.

Michel: Michael. Hating is not the way to make the pain go away. Your just gonna end up bitter and lashing out at ppl. Oh wait... you already do that...

Michael: Dont you know the saying. "There's a fine line between hate and love" Even your dad said that. Its natural, and easy. And for all you know... she could be doing it too. And... she prolly doesnt even feel that much pain. So why care about it?

Michelle: She's nice ok! Dont say that about her. She's artistic. She has depth... and soul!!

Michel & Michael in unison : Shut up!

Michelle : What!!? I was just saying...

Michel & Michael in unison : Shut up!

(Michelle subsides)

Michel : She's a christian. Which means... well ... it means something.

Michael: Nonsense. I tot u were more rational than that!!? Even your friends know all about her. Why'd you not listen to them?

Michel : cmon... i told u i judge ppl for myself.

Michael: Looks like your wrong... and you dont learn from other's mistakes. That makes you dumb. You dumbass.

Michelle : Lay off the epithets! Just cos your in NS doesnt mean you can spout it like the merlion!!

Michael: Whats it to you bitch? Like you'd know liddat.

Michel : Shutup you two! I just wanna be left alone! My heart is heavy, im dull and numb all the time. Cant you two stop your bitching. Honestly, your should be married the way your go on and on and on and on...

Michael: Yeah. That was what i was getting to -

Michel: The married part? *looks up brightly and the prospect of getting rid of pests*

Michael: - You keep thinking about her every 5 seconds. When you think about her, i cant even have peace of mind! Cos what you call a mind i call a primitive troglodyte's apartment when you think about her!

Michelle: Cmon... think peace. Peace! And loovee... yes love! Love each other!

Michael: I'll give you a piece of my mind!

Michel : I'd love to see you try!

Michelle : Haiz... *shakes head sadly*

Michel: You cant expect me to get over it so soon. So suck thumb micheal!

Michael: !@#$%^ mmmggrrfff.... ARRGH. You idiot. Go out and make merry. There's so many other girls. Pretty ones... ahhh you know... i dont have to mention names. You'll forget her soon.

Michelle: Well what if i dont want to forget her... what if... you know.. its like betraying her memory or something...

Michel: She's not dead. Don say until liddat. She's just... not that close to us anymore...

Michelle: Yeah, she's not totally gone. So relax. Why so worked up over it.

Michael: Noob shit... *mutters somemore swear words*

Michel: Michael you are a total pain in the nether regions. I wonder why i ever put up with you.

Michael: You imbecile. You im. Your me. You cant get rid of me.

Michel: Its my mind! Get thee behind me! *imagines padded cell*

Michael: *Sticks out tongue*

Michelle: Childish... you two... stop it...

Director : CUT! Thats a wrap people, take two... Go drink some water... and get ready for another dreary week at work. With damnable office politics. And no more comfort from your girlfriend. *smiles cheerily*

Michel, Michelle and Michael in unison: Shut up!

Thats all folks!

2008-06-29T12:02:00.002+08:00

I couldnt make it to church today.

I was all ready. About to go. Den i had a stomachache... so i felt like not moving...

Then as i tot about the day ahead. My heart felt... slightly heavier... dis leaden weight pulling me down.

.
.
.
In the end, i stayed home to tinker with this blog.

Nice improvement. Only thing left is to learn how to edit pictures. Get a better pixelatable camera...

Plus learn how to change my cursor back. After putting in some borrowed script from SY's blog, my darn cursor has turned ugly...

Oh wellz... family day today den...

2008-06-28T23:52:00.000+08:00

I must be frickin brave to go to church tmr.
It sounds funny... yea this line that is... but life is funny... in a funny way. Wad de hell am i toking? *shakes head in annoyance*

Church. And everything else with it...

.
.
.
zzz... Wahtever...
----------------------------------------------------------
Went blading with Jia today. Or rather she bladed and i walked. Didnt expect her to pick it up so fast. Almost like she was born to blade. When we started, she was going as fast as an SMO (slow moving object)... Half an hour later... she was going as fast as me at a brisk walk. 1 hour later i was doing some slight jogging. Seriously we travelled very far for someone who just started to pick up blading. Then we ate some mee pot. I really like that mee pot everytime i go there i eat it. On the way back... from a 1 hour journey there, we took half an hour back. See how fast she improved. And i literally had to jog back the whole way. *whoo* really tired. Though i think she will ache more... a few bumfalls here and there that i couldnt catch her in time...

I estimate total distance to be 4km + ...
in 1 and a half hours. hmmm...

Church....

Will anointing oil work for this huh...

Confessions of a broken heart
I wait for the postman to bring me a letter.
And I wait for the good Lord to make me feel better.
And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Family in crisis that only grows older.
Why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?

Daughter to father, daughter to father!
I am broken, but I am hoping.
Daughter to father, daughter to father!
I am crying, a part of me's dying.
And these are, these are, the
confessions of a broken heart!

And I wear all your old clothes you polo sweater.
I dream of another you, one who would never.
Never, leave me alone to pick up the pieces. Daddy to hold me, that's what I needed.

So,why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?

Daughter to father, daughter to father!
I don't know you, but I still want to.
Daughter to father, daughter to father!
Tell me the truth, did you ever love me?
Cause these are, these are,
the confessions....!!! of a broken heart!
Of a broken heart!

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I ... I ... I ...
I love you!

Daughter to father, daughter to father!
I don't know you, but I still want to.
Daughter to father, daughter to father!
Tell me the truth, did you ever love me?
Did you ever love me?
These are the confessions of a broken heart!

Ohh ... yeah

And I wait for the postman to bring me a letter.

Well... yesterday was... intense.
Closure... did i get it? I dun really know. But i feel better. Good enough today to laugh at jia's jokes...

though i still feel lonely inside.

Ytd, when walking to eugene's house. I saw a Justea advert on the back of a van. EXCEPT that i misread it as Jessica. Oh wellz.

Here's a middle finger to life, regrets and sad memories.

Dear God,

Grant me the strength to be me. To remain true to myself. To have strength to take on the world. Father give me your blessings, to do your work and build the kingdom of faith. Father let the right words flow frpm my mouth and the right actions from my hands.

Amen

2008-06-26T22:24:00.000+08:00

The past few days have been literally hell for me. Over last week, i felt like... jess was slowly drifting away. Her smses, msn convos, emails are more... aggressive and disagreeable. There's this gut sinking sensation that im losing her. And it makes me hold on harder, become more affectionate, and if possible, do so many things for her that i can "force" her to love me. I wish. Even Bruce Almight couldnt do that to Jennifer Aniston.
And ytd, i received totally bewildering messages from her. From outright hinting to wanting to breakup to ranting at herself for being crazy and therefore wanting to breakup. She didnt so much as mention breakup at all, but i could see the invisible words between each line shouting to hear.
I get... defensive? Cold? Monosyllables come out...
I wanted to know if she wanted to break up... but she wouldnt so much as say something straight that even makes sense. So i lay there in bed, at 10pm... my head filled with all kinds of thoughts, so many thoughts it felt like there was friction between them and my head was heating up. So not encouraging. And i didnt know what to do, i called jia who talked me through the whole thing. Comforting me and putting my swirling thoughts into a gentler orbit. But i knew even then i couldnt sleep. My heart still hurt and the thought of losing something so precious and dear to my heart was like ripping the stuffing out of a teddy bear's heart. So i took some sleeping pills but still fell asleep later. Hence i was almost late for work again. At work, i read her post. And it was a stunning blow. Pain, hurt, anger comes later after the pain settles in, and most sharp of all was an agonising shard of loss. And boy it hurt. Pain as the day Sharon ignored me.

I MOPED around... my friends called me out to lunch... but i didnt go. I sat there, alone in the office typing a painful letter i knew would hurt me as much as her. As i wrote the last paragraph, the loss was so strong tears came out. Spilling out in a manner that astonished me. I never realised my emotional attachment to her was so strong. And i just let it all out, each racking sob and hot tear cutting away the ties that bind. I must tell you, i probably have only cried 4 times in my whole life. Tears dont come easily to me. I lose attachments easily, to things that are not human. My 4 rabbits died, though i loved them all dearly, i didnt cry. The tears COULDNT come. I used to think myself inhuman and try to make myself cry. It never worked. And the more i cried, the better i felt. Twas only a fifteen minute one, some peeps saw me, it was embarrassing but i couldnt give a flying F. Work wasnt done... not that there was any work but i welcomed the menial ones. It kept my mind off things.

In the end, i had to break it off. She'd been implying it, wanting it... and nothing i could do. I seriously did my best... and if u truly loved someone, you would let go if the person wanted you to let go. Wouldnt you? rite Rite??

And now, i dunno what to say. I dunno what to do. I dun noe what im feeling now. My friends tell me to move on, so many more fish as they put it. What if u dun wanna move on... but u noe u must.

Would i get together back if i had the chance? I dunno. I might not. Even though i think my heart still wants her back. My brain wont give in. It hurts too bad, and now that i know how she feels inside... and how things have turned out the same twice. Patterns exist for a reason. So.. i guess not. Still friends is not too far out of the question.

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I really must thank jia for being here for me in this period. And my NS dudes. My really good friends. Nice ppl. Derrick, Jason ,Shuxin, Sim, Nicholas. Thanks guys for taking me for lunch, sharing ur love misdeeds too. Jia has been very comforting over the phone, lending me a listening ear when i need to rant, giving her xiao mei mei advice. And no thanks to my mum. Sheesh, parents these days. They dont noe what to say and what not to.

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My lil boss mentioned something, something for me to do and recall the relationship. To do 2 columns, one Positive and one Negative of the things that we have done together.

Sounds interesting, lets do it here.

Negative (positive too many...)

-When she goes shopping and im waiting (impatiently) for her to come over.
-Shopping with her. (i dont begrudge her her shopping time. Just that im a guy and guys dont LIKE shopping at all)
-We cant go and do sports together. Cos i dont do swimming and she dont do the gym or badminton or pingpong.
-She doesnt say the right thing at the right time to my friends or family. (no blame her for this, my family's a complicated bunch)

Positive
-We can play dota together, and enjoy it.
-We love reading books.
-Hugging her is the best.
-Her "i want, i want..." face
-Flirting and teasing each other. The quick witty jokes and retorts
-Her hitting me (as much as i profess to dislike it. Da shi teng ma shi ai.)
-Going to church together, singing praise and worship together.
-ragging her
-having someone to go out with all the time
-Watching movies at her place
-Painting my Glaxspill with her.
-Seeing her emails at work

The irony of life. When you wanna get closer, she goes further away. When you wanna go away, she comes after you. Lenz's law in action.

2008-06-24T23:35:00.000+08:00

Hey girls. I know its much more fun to shop at shops and touch the material itself. Try it on and stuff. But i must advertise this new online Fashion shop. (I was not paid for this advertisement, but because its Karyn and because the designs are amazingly beautiful it would be a shame not to let my friends not about this!)

http://kloset-cube.livejournal.com

Go there!! I know they may not appreciate me dissecting their economic tactics but i MUST bring up something unique about this. Each and every design has only 1 piece!!! ONLY ONE. It is absolutely unique. What a shame though cos i think the pieces are really good and you could make quite alot markerting it out. But its U-N-I-Q-U-E!!! (basically similar maketing technique to Donut Factory's 2 donut per person.)

So hmmm for shoppers that read my blog i suggest you look at the current stuff left cos i think about half sold off already so must buy faster! Lol... JiaY i think you may like some of them.

HEH... and the models look VERY familiar... lololololx!!

------------------------------------(say thank you, karyn... muahahax)-------------------------

Ok. Today went to see the Eye Doctor..who's subspecialty is Gene. LOL...whatever that means? Eye deficiencies by gene? or all Opthalmologists is the domain name.

She did some high intensity scouring of my eye. Lucky got some machine separating me and her cos i dont think i'd be able to take looking her in the eye. Then she put some flourescent dye in my eye. Interesting. Dabbed this strip of paper against my lower eyelid and i felt this freezing sensation in my eyes. Then when she shone the UV light against my eye, my eye GLOWED purple. I could only see purple light. COOL EH!! Absolutely fascinating. (now i regret, not taking the path of a doctor in JC, one more unlived dream)
Then she put this magnifying glass right against my eye and the light magnified into this blazing strip of white light. Like going to heaven like that the looks of it... i felt like in a scanner. The blazing light moving across my cornea. Then she used the machine... had this long extended thingy. And pressed it lightly against my eye. Surprisingly not pain. Now i wonder how come eye can pain when i rub but when she use it to press against my eye not Pain!!? Apparently the thingy is used to measure eye pressure. hmmm, fascinating.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=TLXq_uChlZ8

Anyway this song is absolutely wonderful. Its a tribute to the people in Myanmar. Shalom peace! God bless. I can feel his amazing love with this song.

2008-06-24T00:26:00.000+08:00

I have been tagged by Jessica

People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs.
Tag 8 people to do this quiz & those who are tagged cannot refuse.
These people must state who they were tagged by & cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people!

1. If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?
Hurt, because I'd always want honesty in a relationship. As the Meet the fockers guy calls it "Circle of Trust". I'd always want to be the guy you can tell me anything despite the situation. Even in a relationship, if she's cheating on me, at least tell me first she's gonna cheat on me. So i at least have a choice, to pursue her so she wont cheat on me or get the meat cleaver ready (though to get the guy or the girl...its a tough question). Lol... no la, i'd never condone violence no matter the situation. I mean, you can hurt me feelings, its ok, im strong i can take it, but u cannot hurt the feelings of someone i love. Because that would cause me to take up the Sword...and ka-chah ka-chah...

2. If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?
Im saying the first thing that comes to my mind here. To have a vision from God. A vision so powerful it drives me to build his kingdom. A vision so powerful that all I have to do is surrender to it and I can accomplish great things for my Lord.

3. What will your dream wedding be like?
Christian. Lots of white everywhere. A large one. In a church with all the traditional hymns and everything. To have all the people that matter to me there. From my parents to my friends to all the various people who have impacted my life in one ay or another. I'd like them to be there to.

4. Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?
Err...aren't we all? Yeah... im uncertain. About whether i can survive NS (just signed up for insurance today). And uncertain whether i can achieve what i want in life.

5. What's your ideal lover like?
Smart. Well witty enough to get my jokes when i tease. Very few people do get them. Other than my dear Jess and Eugene who are fast enough to return fire.
Graceful, gentle and elegant. Committed to God. Loves children. Charms the MUM.

6. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?
To love someone is to be more blessed. Because love is all about giving.

7. How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?
Forever.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
Weep, moan? Nah... be a close friend. Someone she can rely upon to talk to when she cant talk to her bf.

9. Is there anything that's made you unhappy these days?
Relationship uncertainty issues. My mum.. but hey since when's that new?

10. Is being tagged fun?
Yeah!! It means someone remembers you, cares for you. I LOST my most FAITHFUL Blog reader when she got a boyfriend!! Godsis Kath!!! Stop hankypankying with your ABC (Australian born chinese?) Boyfriend!!!

11. How do you see yourself in ten years time?
Thats err... *one,two,three...* 28!! Hmmm... Either a Master's or phD. Should be having a stable job already. Either married already or about to marry.

12. Who are currently the most important people to you?
Family will forever always be the first and foremost in my life, no matter how much the aggrievate me. Then will come people close to my heart. Like Jess (and somewhere around there her family...by proxy, Josh, Steph etc.) , and following that my good friends. The guys, Eugene, Alvin, Poke, Kevin, Joel Chen, Kenny, Chunkit, Chun Cheng, Joel Goh, Chet hong, Daniel. The girls Jia yan, Anastacia, Tammy, Sok Peng, Angel, Angeline, Apple, Hui yun, Yi xiu!!

13. What kind of person do you think the one who tagged you is?
She is *ahem*... slightly prone to domestic violence(muahahax). She is also very loving, sweet and LOVABLE. She is also very smart and stong minded.

14. Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?
HEH. Married... depends on whether its a happy marriage. If its a happy marriage, i'd be poor...as i told Ms Fah in Sec 2, i am a Romantic. On the other hand if i cant find the right girl to marry, then i'd be a rich philanthropist businessman.

15. What's the first thing you do every morning?
Check the time. Like am i late for work!!? Recall the agenda for the day. Or...go back to sleep and hope i get to sleep more.
16. Would you give it all in a relationship?
If i really completely love her i know she really completely loves me then Yes i'd give it my all in the relationship. If not, i'd make sure to keep some part of my heart intact so that in the even of a break up i will not absolutely fall to pieces.

17. If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?
The one i think i would most likely be happy with in a marriage.

18. What type of friends do you like?
Fun ones, but not too hiao. I like loyal friends and friends who have many similar interests as me. Like reading, playing computer games, exercising. Peeps i can connect with. Examples, the way Jess and I can verbally fence and totally enjoy it. The way Eugene and i have similar interests. The way i can connect with Ana and her Donald duck voice.

19. What type of friends do you dislike?
ooo. I dont have many friends i dislike. But i abhor those who try to backstab me. There was this one guy in MJC... on the floorball field. He tried to backstab me, gain support with the other guys and outcast me. Basically a snivelling idiot who is so insecure he needs to push others down to feel he is up. I wouldnt have it, I was so fierce with him, every stare i gave him was loaded with fierecness until in the end i think he was afraid of me which pretty much made him want to even outcast me more. In the end, i stared him in the face and told him to settle it outside school if he so much as tried one more funny trick. *about to call my gangsta friend who owes me a favour*... lolz. Sry ah... i not fierce one. Only 1 in every 4oo ppl i meet can get this kind of reaction from me.

20. I tag..
Darn Jess took this already... hmm.
I tag Matthew, Chun Kit, Kathleen, Joel Goh, my sis Mel, yi xiu, Poke, Tammy.

2008-06-13T07:50:00.000+08:00

Ok im really really tired now, and my eyes have been DRY since 2 days ago. Its a real bother cos its so uncomfortable. Yesyes, i should go find the eyemo some where...

DARN. New PES status is C9L2. So much for hoping not to recourse.
Oh wellz. must think positive and look forward to a real experience... Holiday one of cos since im excused almost everything. One of the funniest excuses i've heard is Excuse Sunlight. Funny eh?

Had sushi with my dear at Kallang Leisure Park. Good experience, love the sushi there man. Hmmm i particularly like Tuna, Salmon and Unagi Sushi... *smacks lips*
Dear is cute!! 4th month anniversary is coming up soon!! (must get things ready)

But prawn is pretty oily and i feel abit jelat after eating it. Hmm now my mummy everyday buying sushi for me to eat at breakfast.

Didnt read the news... but my small boss told me someone else...as he puts it "concuss" .... whatever that means. Darn better read the papers later...

So scary lor, so many ppl dying den somemore today is friday the 13th !!!

Word of the day, SUBJECTIVE TENSION ~ When a phrase has multiple meanings. (normally occurs in SF, by Sim R Delaney). Basically it encapsulates what my dad always says "Say what you mean and mean what you say."

Hahas..

2008-06-06T10:18:00.000+08:00

Things are looking up. NS is not so bad... quite enjoying my work. Learning to kick back and let others do their job instead of doing it for them. And for counting my blessings in life too.

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning I sweep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own

I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing:
"Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!"

One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
Once you go there was never, never an honest word
That was when I ruled the world

It was the wicked and wild wind
Blew down the doors to let me in.
Shattered windows and the sound of drums
People couldn't believe what I'd become

Revolutionaries wait
For my head on a silver plate
Just a puppet on a lonely string
Oh who would ever want to be king?

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world

ooooo ooooo ooooo oooooo ooooo
(repeat with chorus)

I hear Jerusalem bells a ringing
Roman Cavalry choirs are singing
Be my mirror my sword and shield
My missionaries in a foreign field
For some reason I can't explain
I know Saint Peter won't call my name
Never an honest word
But that was when I ruled the world
Oooooh Oooooh Oooooh

Interesting Song but i cant really get what it means. Although the violin part is really nice. Realize i like violin parts when they play them in pop music.

Realize my blog posts are few and far between mainly because i cant talk much about my NS cos is RESTRICTED. Lolz...

As if im doing something that secretive like that although i must admit that working in the army is an interesting experience that has already thought me so many working values. And im only 6 months through. Wonder how many more lessons are left in store for me?

Dear Father in Heaven,

Thank you Lord for your blessings in my life. Teach me to appreciate your blessings in life. Pour your blessings onto me. Help me learn the lessons i need to learn and make the mistakes i must make. Give me strength and fortitude to withstand temptation and forgive me my transgressions. Let your work on Earth be done through my hands Abba Father and your kingdom come. Lord soothe away the fears of this Earth and comfort them. Lord provide for your people in need.

Amen

2008-06-03T22:36:00.000+08:00

Work was so tiring today. Extreme Lethargy. I realize i complain alot. Must stop complaining. Thats one thing i realize must improve about me.

Met Jia yan for dinner. Sakae Sushi. I've been longing for sushi for quite some time, ever since i last ate sushi with dear at Suntec city. However, the sushi wasnt nice at all... maybe its cos my dear wasn't there:-(

So we walked to E-hub to check it out. I thought E-hub stood for Tech hub... turns out its for EAT hub...lol so much food there but by then too full already to eat.

Supposed to watch movie... but movie timings all horrible so we went to arcade. And jia yan was in a spend money mode=p lol! so funny... We went car racing, which was really fun. Then some basketball which we totally failed.. Disastrous. Then abit of air hockey which was so hilarious i laughed until i tot i would puke. And jia yan screamed and screamed until she bang her head on the table lamp. LOLZ. Oh yes and highlight of the day is when she threw the first basketball and it went so high i went over the machine, bounced off the wall and into the crowd behind us... *faints*

Lol... next problem to ponder, how to get a bicycle to my dear's house... hmmm:-) Dunno.

*yawns* so sleepy...

2008-06-03T08:42:00.000+08:00

Bugger Screwed. He went on MC.

2008-06-02T07:48:00.000+08:00

*Groans* everyday is one big freaking headache!!! going to work is like dealing with a dysfunctional foster kid. Like one of mine at home albeit one much older here with a freaking serious attitude problem. Excuse me if i say something insensitive here, but if i were hitler.... WHAT I WOULD DO !!?

Yes. I'd go freaking genocidal on him and his kind.

Anywayz about my weekend. Met jess on sat and sun. Had fun. After being over at jes's place on sun, went to meet some of 03/06 for a nice basketball game with Jensen's church friends. Muahahax...heard a/m person got scandal liao. Hush hush...

Oh yes and i injured my finger. Cant straighten it or bend it from its position but at least i can type with it. hmm i should recover soon.

Darn, i forgot how good it is to see my guys already! miss eugene and alvin and the rest! ooo those were good jc days.

Ok now to SCREW that BUGGER TIME!!

2008-05-27T07:41:00.000+08:00

~Be not afraid of death, be afraid of a life unlived.~

Feeling in a musy mood... u know...one where you muse around. hahas..

I havent really got around to changing my blogskin. I shall do it today when i get home from camp. Yes... if i can find it:-)

Sometimes i feel like there's more to life than this=p (from a really nice christiany rockie song). But we never know what it is till we know it. So in situations like these we cant go searching for something we dunno what it is... we have to let people lead the way. Yupz.

I feel so fallen, so far. Lost in the darkness that is vulagarity. In a world obscene where the pure light of innocence no longer shineth.
But that is the essence of growing up(making it inherently a bad thing?).. leaving your little turtle shell of innocence behind and facing the reality of the world. I pretty sure the people in Sichuan and Myanmar know the harsh reality of life.

Some people ask why can there be such a thing a cyclones and earthquakes when we have such a loving and benevolent God as Jesus.
The other day, Pastor Prince preached about it. What really comes as a shock to many is that the Earth does not belong to God. It once did. It belonged to God when he created the world. Then when Adam and Eve fell to the snake(devil), the dominion of the Earth became that of the devil. It was because of the Sin of humanity and the casting of the devil from heaven that out the Earth under the dominion of the Devil.
You can see this once again in another part of the Bible...when Jesus himself was fasting in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights. The Devil came to...bedevil him...with temptation of food and even going so far as to offer him possession of the earth of which he is the prince. Yet Jesus said no. Because he knew he had a greater treasure than earth in store for us. By not falling to sin, jesus was the only pure innocent in the history of the world. Be being so the sacrifice of his death paid for all of our sins. Which makes us able to go to heaven.

Some people think that God is some kind of evil being toying with humanity. They take it for granted that since God is omnipotent they believe that anything that happens is because of God. But God is not omnipotent as we think it is. Can God create a square that is a triangle? Can God make a stone so heavy he cannot lift it? Because answers to these kind of questions cannot be rationally understood. God can definitely make a stone so heavy that he can lift it and cannot lift it at the same time. Because he is beyond human understanding and he has so many more dimensions to play with. All we can see is 4 dimensions... we cannot say what he cannot do just because we cannot conceive it.

Some wonder why he does not get rid of Satan where and now...since he is so omnipotent... Satan shouldnt even stand a chance. But we must think about the responsibilities of power. Just because u can do it doesnt mean you should do it. Im pretty sure that most of the superheroes knew this. That just because you have the ability to do something doesnt mean that it is the right thing to do.
And the reasons for that i cannot say because i am not God and only God knows the answer why he does that. It is because of our inability to perceive the mind of God that we must trust God. If we could comprehend what God had in mind, we wouldnt need God already. And then some people question why... is it that God made us so fallible... therefore we would need God... I mean God could have created such that we wouldnt need him right??

But what kind of creator is that? Everything we create has a use. A chair to sit. A cup to drink from. A piece of art to decorate...

So some people dislike the idea of being created in a situation that they are forced to believe in God because God made them to believe/depend in him. They insist that because they are created in this situation that it is, believe in God or go to hell. Believe in God go to heaven. They feel like it is a stacked deal. But the truth is that... it is like going against your own nature. If the nature of a chair is that of a chair... and if the chair dislike the fact that it was a chair... you get my point... i do not know what to say then. LOL. Sorry eugene. Your like a human who doesnt want to be a human?? If that is indeed the correct way of putting it.

Well i shall pray on it and ask the Lord for the answer.

To all. Shalom, Yahwei sogni agape.

2008-05-22T09:02:00.000+08:00

Ok here to blog since my blog is so dusty i cant see my fingers. Cant wait for MArdi Gras to come i can see all my old friends once again. Yay. Hahas. Erms. Letse whos going.

Sec sch friends grp.
Magdalene, Angeline, Jia Yan, Cui Xia, Cheryl Ho. (oops is it just me or are they all girls?)

Jc group
Angelina. Possible Yiling

Girlfriend group
Jess dear. Sinyee. Kailin?

And ALL my guys desert me cos they cant help it but desert me. Lol. Life is fantastic is it not? I LOVE ns. ritteeeee. *sarcastic dry ironic tone*

Lol and im starting to like thai music, ogle at Saaya irie, chao geng and a numerous number of other bad habits thx to ns... Not that thai music is a bad habit...

thinking of writing a story in my free time. Got plenty of ideas. But now its back to work to write ORD testimonials for ppl... LOL. Im in hot demand but i couldnt care less about stuff. Sorta wondering if this is like to have autism. Dulled blunted feelings or is it depression.

Read A Wizard Alone by Diane Duane. It aptly describes autism and how it feels.

and No..i am not autistic not depressed...just ranting... And wishing for a HUGE baseball bat to knock a particular colleague of mine back to the universe from which he(IT) came from. GROAAR.

2008-05-15T09:27:00.000+08:00

Hahas im back. Lol i finished my work for today and its only 0930hrs. LOL free day! Damn but i have a stomachache must go toilet soon. TMI rite =p Winks.
Oh yes, JY, Mardi Gras next friday (i think your reading this)... my sis say must buy ticket le... dunno wad $7 and also dunno whether even can get tickets. But tell me soon and i'll ask her to buy tickets for us. Heheh! I earned my first dough from jiahui:-)

2008-05-15T08:20:00.000+08:00

102 words

Speedtest

Heh this beats Steph's fake score...cos its my fake score! hahas my friend did it. LOL. I can only hit 71.

Hmmm cant wait to have dinner with my dear today. Yes dear...if i can reach you... cos i think u still sleeping. Muackz.

Lol dunno what else to blog... shall think of it another time. HAHA