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Monday, September 14, 2009
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Ok I havent blogged in a really long time. Ever since the Abel fiasco i've lost the feeling for blogging.
Knowing that you can spill your guts out onto an online page can be a cathartic feeling. But its dangerous cos ppl who dun like you can use it against you.
However, I feel. That i am not gonna be a hypocrite anymore. Im not gonna pretend i like you or you or you. If i dun like it im gonna be sincere about it. So yes i will talk about my feelings on this blog and if u dun like it or seek to use it against me, you can lump it.
There are several events that have been of some emotional burden to me. Which is a good series of stories to spill out here.
Well firstly, my firefox and IE is giving me trouble. Facebook cant load properly i cant even see the writing tools on blogger in my browser. And they load dam slow. I hate it when my computer is slower than my brain. Cos that means i get bored when i use it. This com may have a bigger screen with better graphics and better operating specs but it doesnt mean that its better. Firstly, it gives my Garena problem. And my L4D got bug. So boring sia now...
Ok and hmm lemme see last wednesday. I decided to ask somebody something. Nah im not gonna say any names or what it was i asked. But it took alot of nerve and courage. At first it was uncomfortable cos PERSON was pretty preoccupied at first. I tot it was because of something my other friends had said. Which im pretty sure they did judging from how they continued on and on with it. So we went for dinner, 4 of us and another 6 more unknown ppl who are friends of friends. Breeks Cafe. Hmm pretty okayyy food. But very expensive.
My bro kept whispering in my ears to ask PERSON. But i felt it wasnt the right time and i certainly couldnt do it in front of everybody. Butterflies in moi tummy. Later we walked around after dinner. And with some tactful help of friend of friends and some careful wording of mine i managed to ask. I Carpe Diem - ed.
Oh and my bday is coming up. It feels kinda sad knowing that i have 1 week of my teens left. 1 week till i become a young adult. (If i were in denial i'd say im gonna be twenteen.) I mean this is something i've wished for since i was young. To grow up fast you know. But now its just so highly overrated. Oh yes i tot of a wishlist so that people wont get me expensive/unpreferred stuff like T-shirts or something.
1. Chin-up Bar 2. 2, 5kg or 7.5kg dumbells. 3. Gilette Fusion 4. A pair of rollerblades
And lastly.
5. YOU.
Yea i know i wont get much of these seeing as some of them are rather expensive. Not to mention the last one.
On the other hand i think my dad bought me a watch. (Yeah we dun bother about whatever song zhong chinese tradition thing) It must be a nice watch cos he cant seem to resist giving it to me early. I had to push it away twice. T'will be nicer to get it on my Bday.
Oh yes im supposed to be sleeping cos i have a long day ahead tmr. And im super tired. But i think i shall finish blogging first.
Just had driving today. You know i think driving lessons totally ruins my weekends. Its just so filled with stress and fatigue that i cant really enjoy much. The stupid instructors put so much stress on you. Yea i know stress is good for me, i perform better (not in bed though, WAHAHAHX). But anyway, just because its good for me doesnt mean i like it.
There was one part where the stupid instructor disiao me say dunno wad dunno wad. Then i wait till he drinking water from his container then i brake hard hard den he spill water over himself. Sure, i got an earful but he got wet. Quite worth it i think.
I seem to leave impressions wherever i go. Whether they are good or not, i only know that im memorable.
The other day went to shirin's house. Met her bro Andy. I dont recall him at all. But he remembered my name from tuition class. I think they all probably knew me cos i always play with the teacher and Jiayan,Jasmine,Sabrina. I miss tuition class. Lol. E 3 girls were really fun.
Well that and Alicia too:-) Who went to MJC with me and ended up as my classmate. It didnt help that i had a crush on her then. Well, the cat was let out of the bag by yismin and siti to the others at our last S210 gathering. Hmm seems the others didnt know. But anyway thats history.
Oh yeah. Sok peng too. Lol doesnt seem like i knew any guys there? No. I didnt. Well except for Mr Justin whom i got along well with. Well at least Sok peng and I are still in contact. Cant say much for the rest. Jasmine is MIA. Sabrina is once a long while. Jiayan is well jiayan. Alicia is MIA.
Oh yes. Just an observation i've made. Mei yun is not really mei yun anymore. Or rather, she's changed. More distant. We talk about more superficial things and i cant seem to find a way to talk about the personal stuff with her. She used to be much more open last time... that is until she met some guy who was really bad to her. (from what i gather). Well it looks like im not the only one who's taking a long time to get over that particular ex-beloved.
Its been roughly a year plus since we broke up. Had we managed to somehow pull it through it would be our 1 year and 4 months anniversary. Well, there's no point having pipe dreams.
All i can say is that its ORD LOH soon. Just 12 more weeks.
I'll let you know how im doing with my new life. When freedom is mine once again. What will I do?
HAha yes i am contemplating doing VERY RANDOM things in the 8 months to Uni.
Well firsly theres the drive to make money to pay for my uni.
Den there's the motivation to seek experiences i will hardly have the time for when university begins.
After the City Harvest fiasco. I finally think im ready to give Christianity another go. Thanks to the inspiring words that shao jun shared with me over lunch.
Below is a story i read on Jesline's blog. It made my hair stand. The magnitude of God's power is really incomprehensible.
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This beautiful story was written by a doctor who worked in Africa. One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labour ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died, leaving us with a tiny, premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive, as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator). We also had no special feeding facilities. Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous draughts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in. Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates). “And it is our last hot water bottle!” she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africa it might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles. They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways. “All right,” I said, “put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from draughts. Your job is to keep the baby warm.” The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died. During prayer time, one ten-year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. “Please, God” she prayed, “Send us a hot water bottle today. It’ll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon.” While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added, “And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she’ll know You really love her?” As often with children’s prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say “Amen”? I just did not believe that God could do this. Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything; the Bible says so. But there are limits, aren’t there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever, received a parcel from home. Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator! Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses’ training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there on the verandah was a large 22-pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly. Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. From the top, I lifted out brightly-coloured, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas – that would make a batch of buns for the weekend. Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the…..could it really be? I grasped it and pulled it out. Yes, a brand new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried. I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could. Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, “If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!” Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully-dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted! Looking up at me, she asked: “Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she’ll know that Jesus really loves her?” “Of course”, I replied! That parcel had been on the way for five whole months, packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God’s prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator. And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child – five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it “that afternoon”. “Before they call, I will answer.” (Isaiah 65:24) Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost, but a lot of rewards. Let’s continue praying for one another.
>>--|[ chillin' out ]|-->> 12:10 AM
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
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Its been 5 days since my wisdom tooth surgery. Took out 3 widom teeth and 1 impacted tooth. I want to document down the experience for my dear sis Kath to read :) wakakax.
First to clarify, i did the surgery on local anasthetic(awake) not general anasthetic(sleeping) because of medical complications.
So because i was awake im qualified to explain the experience in detail to you. Not just the suffering afterwards but also the surgery procedure.
So at first i went in. And they made me put on plastic coverings to cover everything. Like mini shoes to cover my shoes. A hair cap to cover my hair. Thick flowing robes like an X-ray gown. Den i went in. And they made me lie down on an operating chair. And put even more cloth all over me. Under my head, over my chest. I presume this is to prevent the blood from splattering everywhere. No doubt there was alot of blood. So the nice nurse started covering me up with cloth and even covered my eyes. I found my humour then and commented that it was like a body bag. Lol. Only my mouth was exposed. Then the surgeon came in which is this pretty nice straightforward lady albeit a rough one. I was very very scared then. My heart was beating very fast and i couldn't control it. I said as much to the nice nurse and she said, pray or sing a little song inside you and it will be over soon. So i recalled what shao jun said and prayed. And yes i found God in the Dentist's chair. My heart stopped beating fast although i was still scared. Den i wanted to sing a song but no song could seem suitable for this moment. Only the words "There's a God shaped hole in all of us. And the restless soul is searching." Yeah i sang those 2 lines inside of me for 2 hours. Apparently its supposed to take half an hour but mine was complicated so it took that long. But wait im getting ahead of myself.
So the surgeon wanted to put the anasthetic on me. And this i could see. The needle was 2 cm long. I was scared but i though it was gonna be like the arm one. Not pain one. Seriously arm one poke not pain one. This one is like. Arrgh. She put the needle in my mouth and no she didnt inject into the gum. She scratched the gum with it. It feels like someone is taking a hot paring knife and slashing your mouth. The worst part was when she cut the roof of my mouth and i screamed. She quickly put the needle down and ran away to get other instruments.
They cleaned my cheeks with alcohol and swabbed all the surgery areas down. Den it began. Drilling and pulling. Took quite awhile. I think 20 mins per tooth. She would drill drill and den say ok there's gonna be alot of pulling. Den pull pull push push my head was shaking on the chair and CRACK. I think the teeth broke. At one point she asked the nurse. Did u lose it? The nurse said. yes. I was thinking omg....
After she reached the 3rd tooth she was like "His teeth are very challenging. Lucky we do when he's young and the jaw is soft." I was thinking... oh they drilled my jaw!!? At first after they pull out the teeth they still finagling around that area. I was like is she cleaning up or doing the upper jaw? Only later did i realize they were stitching up my gums. Dam glad there was anasthetic if not confirm like torture chamber one.
Most of the time it was more pressure than pain. And alot of fear, panic, sweat and praying going on. Yeah and i was feeling urgent too halfway through. So it was a combo of urgent and fear. Difficult i tell you.
When it was over i was like phew thank god thank god thank god. They presented me with my teeth which is like a real bloody mess. Alot of blood i think my knees went weak for a moment. And the teeth were wicked huge. Lol.
*the real horror hasnt started yet*
I complained because they gave me erythromycin which no way will i ever take cos it gives u godawful bellyaches. So they gave my clindamycin and some painkillers. Went home. Wanted to take the painkillers right away but my mouth was so swollen and my tongue so swollen i couldnt close my mouth because my tongue hung out. So my dad said he'd give me some liquid painkillers which is calpol. Panadol for babies. I had some doubt but he's my dad so i drank it. (only later did he realize my painkiller is panadol PLUS codeine and not just panadol) At that time i did not know and boy was i in for a world of hurt. Tried to sleep. Couldnt. Then the anasthetic wore out. Omg i've never felt such pain before. The 4 teeth hurt like crazy. Sharp pain that stays there. Doesnt go away and ur not even doing anything. And because the teeth are so close to the brain i got feedback. Started getting the mother of all headaches. I think i screamed twice and kick my bed and the shelf. Wanted to die. Seriously. Ran downstairs and forced the painkillers down my throat. Literally. Howled abit more and the pain died off. Phew. But then the horror was the teeth. They refused to stop bleeding. The lady gave me enough gauze and alot of EXTRA. I used up all and not just that all the gauze was soaked in blood. Enough blood to cover my study table and paint it red and brown. Bleed till my dad came back. About 5 hours later. He gave me some soya bean to drink. Didnt think i could eat anything so just drank alot of soya bean. The coolness helped me feel better. However, i was still swallowing blood every other mouthful.
The worse part is they told me not to rinse my mouth because they wanted the blood to clot. But cos i was lying down i think some of the thrombokinase and platelets in my blood came out and merged with phlegm. I got some very very sticky bloody phelgm at the back of my throat. And the gauze made me feel like vomitting. So i had to reach in to pull out that lump of phelgm and guess what? Its so viscous the phlegm actually fights back. I put it just one rank below glue.
Needless to say it was pure misery pureed and distilled into a single night. And you know what? The marvelous painkiller stopped working after 4 hours when its supposed to last 8 hours. So i ended up overdosing. But my dad said would get kidney failure from eating so much panadol that he gave me another kind of painkillers Mefenemic acid. At least it had the same potency. So i had to combo twice the amount of recommended painkillers but wth i dun want to feel that pain ever again.Well i must say its 5 days past and i still cant close my mouth. My cheeks/gums (i cant tell) are so swollen that i cant bite so its been porridge and slurred speech for the past few days.
Ok im going to sleep now. Ciaoz guys and im hoping i can eat something more solid soon!
>>--|[ chillin' out ]|-->> 1:00 AM
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
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Girls are weird. Seriously. I cant understand a single shit that goes through their minds. Cutting yourself with blades? Thats fcked up shit. I would think that getting drunk and passing out is nothing compared to self mutilation.
When guys get stressed beyond our capacity to handle, we drink, we debauch... or snap and take a parang to that metaphorical milestone. Girls... do what? honestly... i dunno. But whatever. Im not in much of a position to comment anyway. Have been interacting with too many guys. I think we all suffer that in NS. After we come out we forget how to talk to girls.
I'd probably end up insulting your mom before you finish your 2nd sentence. *Smirks*
See i told'ja.
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I realized im an emotional person. Not emomomo kind of person but rather someone who has very strong emotions. When im angry its really the kind where i contemplate how best to murder you and get away with it. *uh huh* When im depressed it can affect me and all my friends. And i've heard that my angry face is scary. Well i wouldnt know.
One thing these past 2 years of maturing has taught me is that most emotions are pretty useless. Like getting angry at someone being clumsy. Its not their fault and you cant reverse it. Previously i would get angry and scold scold and it'd probably spoil the rest of my day. Like the other day my maid dropped half the cake i baked on the floor. I was about to scold her... then i remembered that being angry is a choice. So i just swallowed it and shut the feelings up somewhere inside me. And i wasnt angry any more.
I guess you can say maturing taught me to live and let live. Scolding cant change clumsiness or other biotic factors though it certainly can do many other things.
Rofl. Its been so long since i havent blogged that i'm like having a writers block every few minutes.
>>--|[ chillin' out ]|-->> 9:21 AM
Sunday, August 16, 2009
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Went for JAM N HOP 2009 last night at Zouk to support Matthew :-) It was all really quite fun cos we'd really done alot to support him. Voting online and cheering like crazy whenever he appeared on stage. Well... cos he's worth it. Went with all the Azalea neighbours. It was kinda boring at first cos of all the queueing up and later waiting for the dam dj to play proper music with in the end he never really did. What a waste of space.
I dont like the idea of drinking cos losing my inhibitions sounds like a good way to go the wrong way. On the other hand i was feeling kinda reckless last night so got me a glass of bourbon coke. Haha sounds innocous with the coke but it was quite strong. The first 20 sips were hard to go down. But somewhere in between the 20th and 21st sip it became dam nice. Like drinking colder than cold water. After that sipped some long island tea which was stronger and it was... how do i put it Orgasmic. Yup. Nothing else comes close. It was shiokness. Haha i just realised that i LIKE alcohol :-)
>>--|[ chillin' out ]|-->> 9:04 PM
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
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Realized that numerlogically wise national day was quite important to me too!
Hahas.
National day : 9/8/2009 My date of Birth : 20/09/89
See the comparison? LOL. Hen you yuan fen for me :-)
I have resolved to move on and let the past be. We cant turn the hands of the clock back so wth should i bother to try. And reviving something so old and dusty when the other person is obviously not willing to is plain stupid. So i shall just resort to the occasional sms to see if said person is willing but otherwise i shall move on to greener pastures.
That being said the social chances are little. But who cares. I have forever and a day. :)
>>--|[ chillin' out ]|-->> 11:11 AM
Friday, August 07, 2009
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I am feeling emo today. Went out for cohesion with my army guys today. But somehow i dont feel i connect with any of them. We can joke, we can fool around and chit chat but at the end of the day when i leave the army, we'll never keep in contact again except when randomly meeting on the road and even then i'll have to struggle to remember their names. Is this how my 2 years will end? Never remember anybody? Just waste the 2 years finishing my liability to the country.
I dont like to waste time and i hate it when i feel my time is being wasted. I need the deep connection with somebody or something to feel that my time is being used. All i can say that has been useful with my time in the coming-to-2-years is the tutut.clan outings, going out with yismin and family, relaxing with dennis and the dota group and my tuition students.
For 2 years thats miserable. And im feeling miserable. My nose is killing me!! argh its running away... (pun intended)
Its an emotional battlefield. Life is rarely like Trainman and Lady Hermes.
Its a fight not to show my real feelings when all i really want to know is how u think about me? Maybe i'm finally giving in to insecurity. So much for self confidence and un-toppable self esteem.
I know i can be a bad person. I know it when im bad... because i do that deliberately. But i didnt know i could be so bad without seriously meaning to. Does it mean u are so immature or that i am so detestable.
Maybe i am... maybe i am.
We cant turn the hands of the clock back. Nope we cant.
*Your just the kind of person who would set the world on fire just to watch it burn*
>>--|[ chillin' out ]|-->> 12:24 AM
Monday, August 03, 2009
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I am tired. Tired. Just wanna be someplace where i don have to worry anymore. To have someone hold me and tell me its alright. I miss it.
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I like Love Guru. I have watched it over 20 times on my PSP. Cos it never fails to make me laugh. and even now i am still unravelling some of the Dwirty jokes. (Dwirty is a port-manteux word of Dirty and Witty.)
Like
"If your uncle jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?" [read it out loud it helps to get it... plus embarrass you to anyone nearby]
Wad i liked about the show was that it had extremely spastic parts and touching elements which you dont really find in any other show. Among all the movies i've watched, Love Guru is unique.
You get Spastic parts like the retarded way Maurise (Love guru) talks and behaves and stupid catchphrases like Guru™ stands for Gee You aRe You etc. But you get really touching ones like "The only way out is the way in." and "There is no such thing as failure, only previous attempts at success."
Distraction from emotional pain is one of the topic the show covers. Like the Guru Taginmapooda(however u spell it) said "Good distraction takes away emotional pain while bad distraction gets you a faceful of whizz."
I like the way Justin Timberlake's character clicks with the Love Guru. And i especially love this part.
When Darren (Justin) accuses Maurice (Love Guru) of being completely arbitrary in deciding what he should do to win the match.
Maurice says" Of course NOT! but we'll let the dice decide. YES. It is completely Arbitrary!"
Cheers.
>>--|[ chillin' out ]|-->> 10:53 PM
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